rhyming rivers & rain

it rains and rains

2009-06-26T10:31:00.003-05:00

My lack of blogging here has just been out of pure laziness, combined with my being almost too overwhelmed with the stuff in my life to record it here. And I'm overwhelmed in a good way! So much has happened since March.

I finished my first year of Grad school...woohoo!...and I felt ever-lucky for my awesome friends, who I've missed a lot this summer!
I got a role in the first opera of next season, L'Italiana in Algeri...and I'm so excited! I've been preparing it this summer...but I've been struggling with being well enough to sing. I just got over being really sick, so now it is time to practice more consistently, and I can't wait!!!
I have been with Ayron again, which is just more awesome than I can say. Being together again after being apart for so long is so awesome...and so wonderful, and I look at him, next to me now every day, and I feel so lucky. And we got engaged! I am so excited to marry him. :)

I know that seems short...but I'm sort of at a loss for words lately. Life is just wonderful, really. I hope to write more soon! :)

blonde ambition

2009-03-04T20:30:00.004-06:00

I started writing a life-goal list more than four years ago, following in the footsteps of my inspiring friend Elyse. This past weekend, while Sarah and I were having an inspiration-session, I pulled the old thing out. I laughed at some goals, and realized that maybe I can cross some off. I also realized that our goals change...however, for posterity's sake, I didn't remove any.

Some goals I still want to do:
10. Be a yoga teacher
21. Learn how to do pottery
25. Plant a bonsai tree
33. Have my own garden

Some goals that are in progress:
19. Be a healthy vegetarian
39. Go to graduate school

Some goals I think may be a thing of the past (but you never know!):
2o. Open a coffee shop
36. Own/operate a CSA program

Goals I added:
42. Sew a dress in every color
52. Learn how to blues dance
59. Go to a Cubs game

* * *

I love having these big, beautiful, and varied goals. Some are so broad and others are specific. Reading it gives me a sense of hope and purpose for new each day. It means my life is not just gray...or one color. My life is a burst of energy, of sun, and the prism of my goals splits it all up into a thousand beautiful colors.

sunday night inspiration

2009-03-01T21:16:00.005-06:00

How to make
A Beautiful Life

Love yourself.
MAKE PEACE with who you are
and where you are
at this moment in time.

Listen to your heart.
If you can't hear what it's saying
in this noisy world,
MAKE TIME for yourself.
Enjoy your own company.
Let your mind wander among the stars.

Try.
Take chances.
MAKE MISTAKES.
Life can be messy
and confusing at times,
but it's also full of surprises.
The next rock in your path
might be a stepping-stone.

Be happy.
When you don't have what you want,
want what you have.
MAKE DO.
That's a well-kept secret of contentment.

There aren't any shortcuts to tomorrow.
You have to MAKE YOUR OWN WAY.
To know where you're going
is only part of it.
You need to know where you've been, too.
And if you ever get lost, don't worry.
The people who love you will find you.
Count on it.

Life isn't days and years.
it's what you do with time
and with all the goodness and grace
that's inside of you.
MAKE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE...
the kind of life you deserve.

* * *

This is from a birthday card my Mom gave me last year. I just love everything it has to say. I hung it up on my wall next to my desk for daily inspiration.

I especially love, "When you don't have what you want, want what you have."

bittersweet

2009-02-23T14:58:00.003-06:00

This weekend was really fabulous. I got to be with Ayron, because he came to meet his future teacher. When he arrived Friday night, we were both very tired but we hung out at a party for awhile anyway. (I'm normally not into parties, but it was really fun to hang out with all those people for a change!) I know Ayron liked it...it reminded him of undergrad, where we had many awesome nights with our friends.

Saturday was one of the best days I can think of in a long time. We slept in late, and I made my herb & cheese baked eggs for breakfast along with oatmeal (clearly Ayron has missed how much I feed him). We split a grapefruit as I surfed the net and he read Newsweek, and I paused my surfing as he read interesting articles out loud. We moved to the couch where we cuddled up and continued our reading/TV watching, and it was perfect. Around 3pm we made an impulse decision to see Slumdog Millionaire (which I had already seen once) and I'm so glad Ayron got to see it before it won Best Picture (rightfully so!). After the matinee, we grabbed supper at Farm, my favorite Bloomington restaurant. It was amazing as usual, and we sat at the bar first, having a drink and sharing their famous chili parmesan fries. I forget sometimes how much Ayron and I appreciate amazing food, and I just love the look he gets on his face when he tries something really good. This slow smile spreads over his face and he is so happy. I love that smile.After supper we continued the gluttony and went to the store where we each bought a bottle of wine we have not tried before, along with a block of cheese we hadn't tried. We went home and tasted the wines and cheeses...and strawberries and dark chocolate...and watched another movie. It was perfect...one big date all day to make up for not being together on Valentine's day.

He left today and I was so sad to see him go! The hardest part about a long distance relationship is that sometimes the goodbye can overshadow the time you spent together, but I'm not letting it. I feel like our amazing Saturday will hold me over for awhile! :)

old inspiration, new meaning

2009-02-19T16:24:00.011-06:00

Then.
I was looking through my desk drawer yesterday when I found a small hand-held book called, "60 Ways to Feel Amazing." It is a book I found on the bookshelf or in the nightstand (I can't remember) in the flat at Via Cherubini Quattro. I don't know if I've cracked it open once since coming back to the US over 4 years ago.

I remember that I felt anything but amazing at times that semester, because I was still trying to heal a broken heart. Of course, by the end, with the help of a new best friend, I was something past amazing, with a new and incredible outlook and lease on life.

I apparently marked my favorite ones. Here are a couple:

11. Celebrate your Aloneness

You are unique.
There is no such thing as a normal or average size or type of person. Everyone is absolutely special and individual.
When we recognize our uniqueness we also recognize our aloneness.
Repeat the following affirmation which will help you to accept the joy and inevitability of feeling alone:
I am sitting on top of the world and I belong to nobody and nobody belongs to me

This is funny. I was feeling very alone at that time in my life, and it is no surprise the first one I marked as important to me has to do with celebrating feeling alone and happy in that aloneness...although I'm not sure it refers to the kind of loneliness I felt. But after I started being in relationships post-High School, I think for awhile I thought I couldn't be happy alone. But I was wrong. I am very grateful to have Ayron in my life now, but I realize that without happiness on my own, I could not be happy in that relationship.

12. Re-Invent Yourself

Do something which is out of character. Here are a few ideas:
1. Change your style of dress.
2. How long have you had the same hairstyle? More than a year? Change it.
3. Find a new friend...someone who is quite unlike you.
4. Start a new hobby or join a new nightclass.
5. Change your makeup/perfume.
6. Do you always wear dark colors? Put on some bright clothes and feel a change.
7. Visit a different restaurant.
8. Go to a different pub.
Change is like a breath of fresh air. Enjoy the new perspectives it brings.

I totally loved this one, and I still love it. I think when you're feeling in a total rut or just not happy, this is always good advice. You don't have to totally change everything about yourself, but trying something new and stepping out of your comfort zone can have such a strong affect on your everyday life. I pretty much listened to this one's advice 100%. I never wore so many skirts in my life with leggings or tights or flat boots. I got half of my hair cut off as soon as I returned from abroad. Elyse was my new best friend, someone who was more positive and full of life and beautiful than I ever expected I could be. And a lot of her enthusiasm for life just totally rubbed off on me. My new hobby was world-traveling (haha...I haven't gotten to go back to Europe yet)! I drank coffee suddenly (I hated it before). I gave vegetarianism a try (and it stuck...4+ years and counting). I clothed myself in black from head to toe (not completely new, but I never had so much black in my wardrobe). Everyday was a new and different decision...a new adventure. It is hard not to miss that.

Now.
There are others in the book that appeal to me now that didn't then.

25. Remember: Be here now.

If you get so organzied and together that you are busy living in the future or you are rushing to keep track of time, then you are missing the true pleasure of the moment.
Whenever you feel that your life is running out of control, stop and say to yourself:
"Remember, be here now!"
The power is always in the moment. Stop reading and recognize the moment. Feel the now.
'Later' never actually exists because we are only ever really conscious in the present moment and 'later' always lies in the future.
Appreciate this precious moment of your life.

I really don't do this enough. I am basically always living in the future, because I'm so anxious to be with Ayron again. The past few days I've been looking back to who I was, and wishing I could have some of that back. What about now? Neither of the others have any bearing on who I am at this moment. I need to work harder to remember that.

33. Make your own Mission Statement

What is your mission statement?
In other words, what is your life's purpose, why exactly are you here? To raise consciousness about environmental issues? To make the world a happier place? To ensure that your children have high self-esteem? To make people laugh?
When you can make a mission statement your life will have new direction and purpose.
Remember that you bring your own unique set of skills and strengths to this planet and you came here to use those abilities.
Discover what drives you from within and match it with real-life activities to give your life new meaning.

Last summer and early in the fall, I struggled a lot with this decision to go to graduate school. I didn't doubt I wanted to go; I just felt a lot of pressure and I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. I felt afraid of failing for the first time. But at what? I don't know. Maybe singing? Maybe failing at being a professional opera singer? I think I felt like that is what people wanted me to be, people including myself, and I started to wonder if that's really what I wanted to be happy. I had a particular phone conversation with my old mom-away-from-home Mrs. C. She told me that I was putting all this pressure on myself to live my life the way that other people have lived theirs, or the way other people think I should. Then she said I didn't have to do that, and that I should make my own way. So I put up a couple of post-it notes above my desk to remind myself a couple of things:

You don't have to do it THEIR way.
No one has done this yet as you, so they cannot know how you will do it. You must forge your own way.
You can have it all.

I think I need to write my new mission statement.

wednesday confessions

2009-02-18T10:37:00.006-06:00

~I like being 23, but sometimes I wish I was still 20.~

~I wish so much that I was as morning person, but every morning, I regret having to throw the covers back and start the day.~

~When I moved to IU, I felt like most days were a failure, because I was so unhappy. I wrote about it a little bit on here, but for awhile there I honestly felt like maybe I had made a mistake. I was surrounded by people who were in love with singing...breathing it in and feeling obsessed with it, and I'd think, that used to be me! And no matter how hard I tried to make myself love it again, I just couldn't. I just wanted to think about anything else. Anything. Like maybe I should have gone to school for agriculture. It isn't like that isn't on another end of the spectrum. Then I realized it is because I'm heartsick, lost without my center. The love of my life is miles away. In my early music history class from undergrad, the coursepack included a page that talked about courtly love. One of the things it said is that "love is always increasing or decreasing." I think mine has been increasing for the past year. And it reached a crescendo, and now I know what I want. And I'm so thankful that Ayron got his acceptance letter a couple of weeks ago and that he is going to be here 100%. My heart is ready 100%. When he came and auditioned, my new life started, and suddenly, I can't wait to sing.~

~When I became a vegetarian, I have wanted to be more environmentally conscious. I now use reusable bags 95% of the time. Since I read the Omnivore's Dilemma & began listening to Michael Pollan, I wanted to be more conscious about where my food comes from & support local business/food. But sometimes I still shop at WalMart for groceries. Epic fail. To make up for my shame, I joined the local grocery cooperative a couple of weeks ago. Yeah Bloomingfoods! I can't buy everything there, but I buy as much as I think I can afford. And it feels pretty good.~
~This whole environmentally conscious thing includes using reusable water bottles. I can count on one hand the number of plastic water bottles I've bought since getting my first Sigg in June. I say my first, because since getting that one, I've lost two of them at IU. I now drink out of a cheaper version of an aluminum bottle, an Oggi, but I really want to shell out for another Sigg. They're just so pretty! I guess I'll save that money for specialty cheese at Bloomingfoods.~

~I always go over my 450 cell-phone minutes a month by at least 100 (thank god for Verizon bonus minutes). Most of that time is spent talking to my parents.~

~I used to really love rainy days, but now I think I prefer the sun. (Except when I've got a garden!)~

lost and found

2009-02-17T22:33:00.003-06:00

Within you I lose myself...
Without you I find myself
Wanting to be lost again.
~Author Unknown

* * *

sewing up my clothes & my confidence

2009-02-16T18:34:00.004-06:00

My mom has been helping me out by supplying me with some sewing stuff to get started on my own. All the sewing I have ever done before has been with her machine & equipment, and under her watchful eye. I could run to her and she'd tell me how to fix my mistakes, or she'd explain something in the delta that I didn't understand.

Now I'm on my own. Mom & Dad bought me my first sewing machine this past fall when I moved to Bloomington. You can see it, all fuzzy and glowing in the background of this photo. Since getting the machine (in September) I had made zero things by the new year. I had sewn up a few holes in garments and such, but I was even sewing buttons on by hand.

Two weekends ago (the opening weekend of Le Cendrillon) I decided that a good activity for my free time would be to get started on the pile of fabric that I pilfered from my mother's stash and make a pair of pants. These pants went along swimmingly, and they're made of some of the coolest tan herringbone you'll ever see. Problem is, I forgot how different the sizes of patterns are from clothes these days. I made myself a pair of size 8 trousers, and when I got to the end stretch, I tried them on , and my poor butt didn't fit into them. They are basically a store-size two. Oops.

What a sad ending to my first sewing trial! I was so disappointed, and I got sick that same night. I was hoarse for most of last week and I stayed home a lot. What did I do? I marched straight to the fabric store and got some new patterns and fabric and decided not to give up. And then I made myself a dress out of the fabric you see above. And that dress is pretty spiffy. It fits me perfectly. I had to get creative, and I spent hours trying to figure some of it out, but I got out of it a totally unique garment that I'm gonna be proud to wear dancing and to weddings and in the summer when I want to feel beautiful.

The quality of the photo isn't so great, and the wreath on my bedroom door kinda makes it look like I have nutty hair, but you get a basic idea.

I think I'll make myself a jean jacket next...or perhaps jeans themselves. I got some really sweet herringbone denim that I can't wait to fashion into something unique. :)

in the shadow of who we were

2009-02-15T20:01:00.002-06:00

Since I moved to Indiana, I have been struck by the feeling that I lost myself somewhere in the past three years. This blog has been a chronicle (a hole-filled one, I suppose!) of my life since I became a confident young woman in undergrad. Along the way, that confidence has wavered, been shattered, and shined through my darkest hours.

I have worn many faces, and put on many different loves. I've shrugged some off, worn some out, and realized that some just don't fit. I've also realized it takes time to grow into some of them. "Growing up" has been quite the process, and one I honestly think I have not completed. Perhaps I'll never complete it. I'm not sure I want to.

However, the past few months I've had a lot more time to think about myself. Graduate school is a time of intense focus on one thing, and when you're in the area of voice, you spend a lot of time thinking about yourself and what you're presenting and who you are. I realized that somewhere along the way I lost that confident, bohemian girl who wandered around wearing the craziest things and proclaiming her joy to the world.

I have been struggling under the blanket of the changing time, wondering why I want to go back to that Kelly - the yoga-doing, heart-on-her-sleeve, poetry-writing free spirit of a girl. I felt beautiful for the first time in my life during those years. I made mistakes. I learned a lot. I don't want to go back to making those mistakes and I'm not willing to sacrifice what I've learned.

But I want that fearless confidence back. I want to feel individual, radiant, and irreplaceable in the world, as I once felt.

In my life this feeling has always come with a big change--usually the end of a relationship. But I am poised to move into the next phase of a relationship with a man who I've loved and struggled with for three years. Our struggle is about to come to an end, and we're ready for the next phase in our relationship and our careers. And that is a change. And I have basically felt stuck inside of this time of change and transition, and it caused me to lose sight of that girl in the mirror. I lost the knowledge of what I wanted.

I was really sick last week, and I spent a lot of time with myself at home. One night, I got up and went to the fabric store, just like I did in the summer of 2004...five years ago. And I decided to make the clothes to put on my back, because I can. I remember putting on a red dress that I made for my nineteenth birthday that summer five years ago, and I remember feeling beautiful in a way I had never felt before.

And I'm ready for that again.

the everyday

2009-01-24T09:12:00.002-06:00

Small things are what it is all about.

Homemade mask: Oatmeal, honey, and water. It really makes your skin feel smooth, and it is beautiful and natural.

Roasted garlic, a wonderful olive oil, and salt & pepper. So simple, and so tasty. Add it to a little whole wheat pasta with some Parmiggiano Reggiano and you have a basic, rustic meal that tastes amazing.

A favorite cereal on a sunny morning in a beautiful bowl that my parents gave me.

I'm trying to appreciate the small moments that create a day and to be thankful for the quiet beauty that surrounds me.

seasons

2009-01-12T18:35:00.002-06:00

Something about starting the spring semester makes me crave the green of the spring so strongly I have a hard time describing it. In the fall, I revel in the gold and yellow and feel deeply at home, while at the same time my soul gets restless and impatient. In the winter, I find myself feeling quiet, introspective, and desiring the moment when I first start cultivating my garden more than I can possibly explain. Spring and summer are times of contentment, a time that I have, for my entire life, wished I could stretch as long as possible. It is a time when all things are possible and full of life.

Despite all that, I still think that autumn is my favorite season.

take 2

2009-01-08T06:48:00.002-06:00

Examination in Early Music History & Late Music History this morning....

I'm crossing my fingers and hoping all of the information I've reviewed over break will stick.

Wish me luck!

moving on forward

2009-01-05T10:12:00.002-06:00

I remain a fair-weather blogger. I wish I wasn't, but hey, we have to own up to who we are. Why is this? I think it is because I am in the midst of a huge life change. Entering graduate school in a different state apart from everything I know and love has been difficult, to say the least, and it has changed me a little...but not too much. It is difficult to write about these feelings, and so I often keep them to myself or share them with my family and the few very close friends who I have been fortunate enough to gain during this transition.

So the holidays are over and they went far too fast, as I knew they would. I'm spending a precious last few days with my Ayron before I head back to IU, and I'm wishing the minutes would stretch into hours. I think part of the reason this transition has been so difficult for me is because I find myself living somewhere outside of the moment, and I am never happy when I'm like this. I am constantly lifting my eyes to search for the future, and I suppose that is why it is difficult to enjoy the present.

This is a time for new beginnings. In 2009, I hope to:

Exercise more. These lovely running shoes have gotten hardly any use (mostly because I'm still wearing the old ones) and it is time for me to break them in. I have been doing more Yoga toward the end of '08, but what I'd like to go for is consistency here. I don't mean every day. I mean a few times a week at least...every week. No long lapses of time, please. That is why it is always so hard to get my flexibility/endurance back again.
Write my feelings down more, and express myself artistically. Fill the journal pictured above. Be in touch with my feelings and the present moment. Along with that, express my creativity more in whatever means possible (outside of singing). That means use my sewing machine more, get out the paint and those sad canvases that have been blank for years, snap away with my Nikon, get out the polymer, and don't be afraid to try new things. Eat healthier. I've always been pretty good at this one (since becoming a Veg), but I feel out of touch with my health a little bit. More junk food has slowly crept into my diet. (And I don't mean my home-baked goods...those I won't be giving up anytime soon.) I often don't think about what I put into my body. So I'm going to think about it more, until I feel in touch again.

Bake more bread. Bake more anything. My poor baking stone is cold and lonely. I got a Kitchen Aid for Christmas. I am very excited to use it! Plus I got the most amazing Vegetarian cookbook, and I've already tried some of the recipes, and I'm so impressed.

* * *

This next semester should be better than the last, but I am aware it will still be difficult. It is hardest to be without Ayron, but we will get to see each other more often, I hope. I know I have a summer of rejuvination and growth ahead. I know I can use this semester as a time of growth as well. I'm thankful for the constant cycle of new beginnings offered to me in the academic environment. I'm excited to tackle a new grad recital program. I'm loving the arias I'm working on. I have wonderful friends, new and old, who care about me and who share themselves as much as I share myself. (Thanks Sarah, Laura, Joni...without you I would not have as many reasons to be joyful each day.) I'm going to explore more new music for leisure listening, because I discovered that a break from all things classical can be good for my soul. I'm going to make things: skirts, dresses, pants, paintings, photo-journals, jewelry, bread, music...

The sun is out today, and I'm going to let it into my heart and keep it there.

hope

2008-11-05T13:50:00.002-06:00

* * *

Listening to Obama speak last night, I cried, as I have many times listening to his speeches. I am continually caught off guard by his disarming words, and I feel something stirring inside of me: hope for each moment and each new day and for humanity. And I am so astounded that this source of inspiration comes from a politician...one who has been elected our next president, no less.

These words are still my favorite:

We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics who will
only grow louder and more dissonant in the weeks to come. We’ve been
asked to pause for a reality check. We’ve been warned against
offering the people of this nation false hope.

But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been
anything false about hope. For when we have faced down impossible
odds; when we’ve been told that we’re not ready, or that we shouldn’t
try, or that we can’t, generations of Americans have responded with a
simple creed that sums up the spirit of a people.

Yes we can.

It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the
destiny of a nation.

Yes we can.

It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail
toward freedom through the darkest of nights.

Yes we can.

It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and
pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.

Yes we can.

It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the
ballot; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land.

Yes we can to justice and equality. Yes we can to opportunity and
prosperity. Yes we can heal this nation. Yes we can repair this
world. Yes we can.

* * *

He's right. We can. And we did.

redefining success

2008-10-20T12:48:00.008-05:00

Well, here we are on Monday again. Where are the weeks going? Not that I'm complaining...each passing day brings me closer to my parents and Ayron. However, I really enjoy weekends and they seem to go just as fast (unfortunately time does not slow down on Saturdays). I also don't want to wish the time away.

I've got a couple hours of break this afternoon before the marathon late afternoon-evening of opera. I've been telling people I don't know when I'll eat because I'm going to be in rehearsal from 4:oopm-10:00pm. I'm sure I'll find time to eat something. I always do. I packed lots of snack-type food and it will have to do. I really don't mind opera chorus; The Merry Wives of Windsor is a really funny opera and I have some good friends there with me. It just all gets exhausting after awhile, and I feel like I spend a lot of energy on it. So I am excited to focus on singing more and more in the practice room. I usually manage to squeeze at least an hour of just-me-and-my-voice time in a day...but I would love to find the energy for more...I think that would really rekindle my obession with singing.

Here's my new headshot. My friend Laura and I had a lot of fun this weekend taking each other's headshots. I did a little bit of polishing in photoshop (cropping, levels, curves adjustments)...and voila! A headshot! I was kind of stressing out about getting this done, because I wasn't sure I'd find someone who would be willing to shoot some of me...but Laura was the perfect partner.

I got the opportunity to talk with Mrs. C this weekend, and she really helped to calm my panic about where I am in life right now. She sort of hit the nail on the head when she mentioned that there is more than one way to be successful in this business. I'm going to run into so many different people who have found success in different ways, and they will tell me what I do to be successful. I know I should always listen to them, but success and the ways to it are not universal for all people, because we are all such individuals. I think I was feeling truly afraid I'd have to give up many, many parts of myself to be considered successful.

I think, first of all, I don't totally understand what it means to have a career singing professionally. There is no manual, and no two people do it exactly the same. I have sort of been picturing this life of singing only, with no teaching or outside pursuits involved in my life. I spend my life practicing and performing. And I picture this life for what it possibly would be...lonely. I would likely spend a lot or most of my time on the road away from family. This vision was consistently making me feel sick and unhappy.

I am very afraid of losing my diversity. I do not want to spend most of my life alone. I have many other passions, and I don't want to totally give them up. I certainly understand the concept of give and take, and that right now I might have to set some of my outside interests aside temporarily to focus on learning and on singing. I'm fine with that. In fact, I feel more excited about singing if I feel I'm just delaying some of my outside pursuits rather than pushing them out of my life entirely.

Mrs. C told me I can have it all...someday...in a future that isn't too far away. I can be with Ayron, live in the midwest, have children someday, pursue my other interests, and teach and sing. I realize it will be very hard sometimes...harder even than it is right now. But now I feel like I have something to work toward. I realize that I can pursue this career my way, while carefully considering the advice of the people I meet along the way. I can use what works for me in pursuing my dreams.

So success doesn't have to be me giving everything up to this voice...turning over my life and my loves with the possibility of becoming an extremely successful opera singer. Success can be working diligently and remembering why I'm here in the first place and planning for a future where I give a part of myself to all of these things. I think it is possible to find a balance in all of these things. Plus, who knows what will change if Ayron comes here next year? I'm feeling better.

Somehow, Mrs. C always knows the right thing to say.

looking for comfort

2008-10-16T14:09:00.002-05:00

This is a photo I took of my bed this summer. Doesn't it look comfortable? This morning, I was lying in my bed here in Bloomington (so far from the one pictured above) wishing I didn't have to get up. And I had the momentary thought that the day before (I didn't want to get up then either) seemed just moments ago. The days have been flying by, and yet things feel more excruciatingly slow than ever.

I had a heart-to-heart with a friend last night and with my Mother this morning, expressing my fears out loud about how hard this has all been and what it could mean. I just feel this rising sense of panic. And maybe it is stress, and it has just been a long time since I have felt stressed. Maybe it is just the settling of change. There have, after all, been a lot of ups and downs, good days and bad days, good feelings and bad. And I've just been fairly lucky so far at being able to deal with things really well and basically having an amazing support system. I have also not faced a change so large before, and change is always scary (even more so when it is large). Obviously every moment cant be easy.

But I wish it would just get easier. For now, I am making a lot of to-do lists and imagining how I'll feel when everything is over. And of course, I'm trying to stay as positive as possible!

total schizoid

2008-10-14T07:03:00.000-05:00

The schizoid is me, not my adorable niece. But look at that pure, unadulterated joy! My Mom and my Sister-in-law are luckily sending me pictures semi-regularly so I don't have to miss out on the cuteness.

Why am I a schizoid? I don't know. But Monday was a good day, so I'm not going to complain. It involved class, singing arias, filing things, organizing things at work, singing in opera chorus, and reading about medieval forms of organizing music. I am starting to feel a little bit more like I belong. And things are starting to feel a bit more routine with my voice. I thought about my long, extroverted post where I bared all of my fears about my passion and enthusiasm for singing and my apprehension about being away from home, and what do you know? I felt really good today.

Maybe it was good to get some of that off of my chest. Or maybe the long-repeated "I'm still settling in" and the feelings that "it will get better" are history. Maybe it is better.

I can only be grateful for the blank slate that is each day. To-do list in hand, I'm ready.

Hello world!

and all shall fade

2008-10-13T06:23:00.000-05:00

And all shall fade
the flowers of spring
the world and all the sorrows
at the heart of everything

but still it stays
the butterfly sings
and opens purple summer
with a flutter of its wings

the earth will wave with corn
the grey-fly choir will mourn
and mares will neigh
with stallions that they mate
foals they've borne

and all shall know the wonder
of purple summer...

And yet, I wait
the swallow brings
a song to hard to follow
that no one else can sing

the fences sway
the porches swing
the sky begins to thunder
crickets wander, murmuring

the earth will wave with corn
the grey-fly choir will mourn
and mares will neigh
with stallions that they mate
foals they've borne

and all shall know the wonder
I will sing the song of purple summer

and all shall know the wonder
I will sing the song of purple summer

all shall know the wonder
of purple summer...

* * *

I listened to this song a week ago today for the first time in a long time. Ayron is doing it with his show choir this year, and I was creating a playlist of songs that remind me of him...of us. I was doing my makeup in the bathroom that is attached to my room, and The Song of Purple Summer came on. I did, of course, think of Ayron. I thought of the first time I heard that song, last spring, when Ayron was in Norway and I stood amid a sream of knowing we'd be apart for my dreams, yet so immensely hopeful because of the time we had remaining. Summer stretched long and whole before me, untouched and sacred. And then the second time I heard the song, it was in a car on the way home from my hiatus in Minnesota. Ayron was next to me, hearing it for the first time. The words appealed to me more than anything else, but I never realized the way they made me feel until last Monday.

I started listening...really listening when I heard the words "The fences sway/The porches swing." I have heard them so many times before. But these words unexpectely brought on a wave of longing so strong that it brought tears. I was putting on mascara, looking at my own reflection, and all I could see was the breeze tickling through the corn. And I was there, sitting on the porch, wound up in the quiet of my thoughts, with the humidity clouding my lungs.

I get this sometimes. Whenever I'm anywhere but the place where I grew up, I have sudden bouts of longing for the peace, the quiet, the simplicity. And this was so bad that I spent two and a half days feeling convinced I don't belong anywhere else. I still feel that way a little bit...I feel like my current life is a stepping stone; it is something I have to do in order to have the life I want. I didn't used to feel like that. And even though what I'm set to do now is supposed to help me find a career that will take me across the world, I find myself wanting to be nowhere but a place that is peaceful and quiet; it is a place with my own front porch, flowerbeds, vegetable gardens, and the heady sounds, sights, and smells of the seasons. That could be anywhere, right? Except to me, that is Iowa.

To me, that is a place near to my parents. To me, it is a place where I can spend the afternoon with my niece. To me, it is a place where I can hear the corn dryers at night in the fall, or when the laughs of the neighbors are carried a half-mile in the summer stillness. It is where miles of untouched white spread out across the sleeping fields in the winter. It is where I can watch, firsthand, as the earth dies and is reborn in full glory each year. It is where I can walk outside in the summer or even better, on a clear, cold winter night, and the sky looks like a bowl tipped upside-down and encrusted with diamonds. As far as the eye can see.

And my nostalgia hypnotizes me into dreaming of opening a local food restaraunt. Starting a CSA. Creating my own photography business. Or finding a job at a midwestern school...teaching voice.

But what about the extraordinary? What about this voice, which, by the way, is on the opposite side of this all. This voice could drag me into a world far different from the one I know. And am I longing for home, for peace, for simplicity, because I'm afraid? I am here because of my obsession with singing. Because my life without music seems far worse than time spent away from home. I am worried, too, because I have always looked at this in black and white. I've always thought that me not singing opera = me not having music in my life. But that would not have to be true. No one can take my voice.

But what if? What if I do have the guts...and the stuff...to do this? To make it? What is 'making it' anyway?

I know I don't want to live a life that is conventional. I still want to milk each day for all of the artistic energy it is worth. I am just starting to realize that artistic energy exists in anything, if you have enough imagination and hope. It doesn't only exist in opera. It exists in nieces and flowers and the sunrise. It exists in forgotten things, like rusting wagons and overgrown evergreens. It exists in people.

It isn't like I plan on making any decisions. This is just rumination. I know I will get my master's degree. And as things often do, my purpose, my goals, and my desires will get clearer.

I guess this is what it is to grow up? To have questions? To have doubts? To want to be somewhere else? I am blessed to be at a school like this, working with people like this. And it really disturbs me that I am not feeling the same excitement that I did in undergrad with such intestity and constancy. Is it because my heart is in Iowa? Is it because all of my constants are away from me? Will it get better when and if Ayron comes to Bloomington...for good?

All I know is that my dreams are filled with the stillness of a soybean field in the morning, with the dew reflecting and capturing the golden light of the sun. My dreams are filled with the sensation of sitting on the porch with my knees against my chest, admiring lightning and savoring the delicious feeling of thunder as it rolls up and into my very heart. And my dreams used to be full of images of me performing. My heart used to strain for the beautiful marriage of extroardinary words and music, and the feeling of completeness that those things made me feel. And why am I not feeling it now, the way I used to? Why I haven't I felt it for so long? The desire to open my mouth as a vessel for this mystery--this feeling--it is fleeting. It exists on the surface. It returns, familiar and strong, for moments. But that feeling used to travel through me in deep waves, and it dwelled in my bones.

I know I don't sound very patient. But I will try to be. All this just feels very new. I know I'm an adult, but I feel very small like a child again. I feel like I need to be shown the way, and yet I know inside of me that no one person can show me the way.

I will have faith.

the autumn of unrest

2008-10-12T18:59:00.003-05:00

Today was a good day. Yesterday was wonderful, too. I have been doing some pretty intense yoga the past few days. I am so sore, especially through the backs of my legs. But I know it is doing something good for me...including making me sweat and getting my heart going. I baked a pumpkin pie yesterday. I took photos of fall things today, even though it was extremely warm for a mid-October day. I will hopefully continue to post a few shots from this week on my photoblog throughout the week. Here are a few from today:

The sun shined beautifully through the leaves.

There were all of these gorgeous trees covered in beautiful, blushing berries.

And the sky was as blue as it could possibly be.

I spent a few minutes admiring the fountain that I often eat lunch near. I captured some of its beautiful movement.

I practiced, of course. I have some pretty tough vocalises from my teacher. I am making progress. Things are feeling like a second nature. I'm working on some very difficult arias, but I am enjoying every minute of them. I practiced sightsinging. I felt at home. This is my pretty new Sigg bottle. I wish I hadn't lost my old one, but the leaf design on the new one is right up my alley.

I ate some of the triple-chocolate pumpkin pie with Stacey tonight. I must say, it could be Thanksgiving-dinner worthy. Two years ago it was pumpkin-chocolate cheesecake. Last year it was the spectacular cranberry-almond tart. This year? Maybe triple-chocolate pumpkin pie. But who knows. I have yet to try making the honey-pumpkin pie with phyllo crust.

I am feeling much more optimistic than last week at this time. I still miss Ayron just as much as ever...but I can practically taste Thanksgiving. The next three weeks will be busy with The Merry Wives of Windsor (tech week starts a week from today)...and then just a week of "rest" (sort of) before tech week and the performances of A Love for Three Oranges. And then almost a whole week with Ayron & my Family!

Life is good.

trois

2008-10-07T14:55:00.001-05:00

Three years today; and I couldn't be missing him more. I love you, Ayron.

enter fall

2008-10-01T10:22:00.002-05:00

I have been in a crazy funk for the past week and a half. This has to do with life changes, mostly; settling into a new place, coming into a new stage in my relationship, and missing home. There are always feelings of doubt at times like these, too; I can feel how much the world and my life are changing, and change is exciting and wonderful, but also very scary. Sometimes I worry that, even though I feel confident in my voice and I feel an unrivaled passion for singing, my life was meant for something else. I think that these fears are normal, and I will stay on my path and keep working hard, and I know things will begin to make sense again. I feel no doubt when I'm opening my mouth as a vessel for this otherworldly force that we call music. That should be a sign, right?

So, as long as I'm talking about singing, I should mention that opera will be my life for the next month and a half or so. I am in the chorus for The Merry Wives of Windsor, and in Prokofiev's The Love for Three Oranges, I'll be one of the oranges (Princess Nicoletta). I'm very excited to take part in both of these Operas...IU's Opera Theater is incredible. Having seen the opening of the season last weekend with La Traviata, I'm so excited to be a part of things here.

So, there isn't much that's new. Hopefully things will feel less scary as time goes on. I will keep up the faith.

For now, I'm enjoying the fall weather. It is really October, and my heart yearns for home now more than ever as I don my scarf and breathe in the air's brand new crispness. I think of the bounty of harvest and my heart pulls me toward my roots. For now, though, I suppose I belong here.

new places

2008-09-22T13:06:00.002-05:00

These beautiful maple leaves are currently hanging in my window. They really cheer up my room.

So I realize it has been a really long time since my last post. Oops. I guess I'm lazy. I have been trying to snap some shots with my Nikon here and there, posting them on my photoblog, but it has been hard to write here I think because everything has just been so overwhelming...I don't even know what to say.

But things are good. I had a tough time with most of my entrance exams, and I'll have to retake some of them. That was a big bummer to me at first, but I am not in the minority here, as the tests were very difficult. Orientation was overwhelming, but I made some new friends and had my first voice lessons and things got better.

I am overwhelmed by how intense this program is; there is just so much wonderful stuff going on that I don't even know how to feel about it all. IU's opera season opens on Friday with La Traviata, and I am so excited to go and watch and support some of the singers from my studio. I saw a marvelous recital on Saturday and realized I have a long way to go. My lessons are going well so far...I've made mistakes, but I am learning a lot and I know I'll get better. I auditioned for the four uncast operas, and I'm still waiting for those results. My classes are good, work at the Graduate Office is really great, and I am settling in.

And now it is fall, and I miss home more than ever. My Mom and Dad picked Ayron up this weekend and they came to visit me, and that was just wonderful. Being with them really alters my whole state of mind and gives me a recharging. I wish Ayron and I were together all the time, but we are both exploring our lives and our careers and finding out where we'll go. Even if my heart is always pulling me toward him, I know that we'll be in the same place someday, and I won't have to miss him so much. I will always miss home as long as I'm away from it. I just don't know what to do about that one. I guess I know where I'll retire someday.

But for now I'm just trying to keep ahead of things...learn my new music and do all of my reading and write papers and such. And still find time to bake and cook and take photos.

For now, though, I've got reading to do! Until later...

in Theory

2008-08-20T10:28:00.002-05:00

Today is the day for gearing up. My first few days in Bloomington were spent getting acclimated to my new place, checking out campus a little and figuring out the bus (at least my route). Today is the day I gear up. I'm studying theory for my entrance exam, I've set up my first lesson, and I've gotten advice from my teacher. I wish I had my schedule now, but I have to wait another week for that.

I'm feeling cheerful today. Much more than I have in awhile. I still miss home a lot, mostly for family and friends, but this place is very nice and the opportunities I will have are just starting to sink in. Today I have to sign up for an audition time on campus and then practice...and keep studying, and remember that I am here because I love singing!

goodbye summer

2008-08-14T17:01:00.003-05:00

I will miss you.

on creating things

2008-08-13T15:04:00.003-05:00

In these last few days before moving, I find myself wishing I could just sit down and create...and I did in a way that is somewhat different than usual. Last night, I repainted some of my furniture (and a beautiful bench my Dad made me) different shades of green to go with my bedroom. My Dad saw these things all painted up, and he was inspired, so the two of us built a mission-style headboard for my bed and a gorgeous mission-style nightstand. I painted them to match the rest of the furniture...and even though we stayed up really late getting it done, it was worth it. I will take photos once the furniture is in my new home...

Today I felt like cooking but I don't have much energy because of all of my packing and repacking, so I decided to make something quick and simple...

These are some pistachios and almonds I blanched and took the skins off of...And here are the skins!

And I made them into a sweet pistachio butter (sweetened with maple syrup)...like peanut butter only made with pistachios and almonds. It tastes amazing! Yum!

Wish me luck...tomorrow is moving day #1.

the music of the modern world

2008-08-11T23:59:00.000-05:00

On my birthday this year, I hung out with my Sister-in-Law a lot of the day and we went antiquing at Canton. Now, seeing as how I am about to move to Bloomington and I already have way too many dishes, I was definitely browsing when it came to my search for jadite, depression glass, and milk glass. I didn't end up buying a single thing that day, but I did find something that stuck so strongly with me that I talked to my aunt about it later the next day.

In a small alcove on the dusty middle shelf of a small mission cabinet, I found a stack of large magazines that were clearly very old. It caught my eye because I saw a lyre on the front, and then the title in bold red letters: The Music of the Modern World. Interested, I grabbed the top one off the stack and began thumbing through it.

Much to my surprise, I saw articles like, "Berlioz and the Modern Orchestra" and critiques of Brahms and late romantic (or "Modern") composers. There were also these full-color prints of great opera divas and divos of the time, as well as beautiful engravings and illustrations of composers and historical music events...like the unveiling of the Paris opera house, or Mozart sitting in his deathbead, dictating his requiem. There were up-close, painfully detailed engravings of Wagner and Brahms. An engraving of Palestrina at the keyboard, explaining to the pope why polyphony was a valid expression of religious adoration.

And I was hooked. I grabbed the whole stack (seventeen of them) from the cabinet and began looking through them, and I couldn't help but feel I'd stumbled on something really special. I asked the store owner how much it was for them, and he told me he'd sell them to me for $75. At the time, I was not looking to spend $75, not that I expected them to be cheaper. I ruminated as we went through all the other shops, but everything paled in comparison...

You see, this magazine was published in 1895, and was edited by the director of the New York Philharmonic. This magazine talked about the music from the Romantic era as it was happening; it gave insight into operatic and singing techniques of the time, and it had articles written by the opera divas of the time. It was really something special.

But I left it behind. I didn't buy it, because I was feeling too cheap. And I couldn't stop thinking about it--I must have told five or six different people about it, and each time I told the story of these antique magazines, I felt sadder I hadn't bought them.

But, I have an aunt who lives in South Dakota, and when she asked what I did on my birthday, I promptly told her my mistake. She laughed and said she'd take care of it, because she was going to be near Canton. I didn't hear from her for about a week and a half, and then one day she called me from inside the store to ask where to find them...

And then Sunday she showed up on my steps with a belated birthday present...a piece of history. Hundreds of pages of illustrations and articles giving me an insight into the music scene in the 1890s...a time when the Romantic era was drawing to a close.

Diva Emma Calve as Carmen.

A random bonus: a little program tucked in one of the magazines from a concert in Paris in 1919. I wonder who attended? Whose fingers creased it?

A full page engraving (12x16) of the opening of the Paris Opera House.

An example of some of the music that they published in each issue with beautiful illustrations alongside.

A stunning engraving of the famous egotist, Richard Wagner.

An article about singing opera, written by a successful singer of the time (the above Carmen).

Madame Nellie Melba (before she was Dame Nellie Melba...and before there was some toast named after her)...one of the most famous opera singers of the late 1800s-early 1900s. These photos are all so gorgeous!

Dr. Sturm would be proud! Music History lessons from the 1890s.

Frau Katharina Klafsky as Isolde...a famous singer of the Leipzig opera house.

Maybe I can learn something from this article. I need to work on my coloratura!

A beautiful engraving of a harpist.

* * *

I'm sure I'll spend countless hours reading through this amazing piece of history. I'm so lucky that I have an aunt who was willing to spend the time to make up for my mistake and give me an antique that I'll enjoy for years to come.

taking a breath

2008-08-10T14:53:00.002-05:00

Last night, I didn't sleep very well. The approaching move has got my stomach all up in tangles; I was laying down for a nap to try and zap a little energy into my body, and I was shaken awake with the sharp feeling that I was drowning. I was drowning in the realization of how close my move is...less than one week away. I was gasping for air at the idea that I'm going to be taking my entrance exams two weeks from Monday, and that I'm on my way to do what I've dreamed of doing my whole life. It seems really odd for me to be feeling this way--so worried, more worried than excited. I've never been a real worrier, that is why this concerns me so much. I've never felt so apprehensive in my life. I have this choking feeling in my chest every time I confront the thought of making this all real.

I am certain that this is normal. After all, this is the first really big change I've experienced in my life. Going to undergrad was a change, but I wasn't going alone, I was going to be in the same state, I didn't have a three-year relationship and separation issues, I was only three hours from home. Now, I'm starting over twelve hours from home and seven hours from the man I love. The pressure seems a lot higher, although I'm sure that once I get there, it will feel comfortable. I'm going to be working and singing more than I have in my life. There is no rural oasis to welcome me home in the fall; I won't be coming home some weekend to pick pumpkins and smell the dry smell of autumn in the monoculture. And that makes me sad. And I'm afraid.

So I haven't felt like writing much. But now I do again, and soon I'll move! And I know everything will be fine because I'm strong and because this opportunity is great. I know it will be fine because I love singing more than anything else...right? I think so. I don't have to know yet, do I? I don't have to know everything about myself and about the mysteries of life. I just love so many things that it is hard to separate myself from some of them for long periods of time...

And I just wish this time where my roots rest in the Iowa soil, this time of rejuvenation where my hands are in the soil and my heart is recharging, I wish it wasn't coming to an end.

I am too full

2008-07-17T11:33:00.005-05:00

I have not posted forever! My days of summer are getting shorter.

Things I keep trying to ignore, but find impossible:

My entrance exams. Coming up in just five or six weeks, they include: theory, aural theory, sight singing, piano proficiency, French diction, Italian diction, German diction, early music history, and another music history exam (everything that isn't early).
The move. Most everything is packed. But will it all fit? If it doesn't, what am I going to do? Will it go smoothly? I just want someone else to do it for me.
What grad school is all about. I haven't been practicing regularly...for many reasons. And I'm supposed to memorize a new French aria, I think. Dammit. I need to light a fire.

Ah, here is a moment of peace. This is a photo of a peaceful prairie flower that I saw when I was exploring the Broken Kettle Grasslands with my teacher and the love of my life. That flower just basks in the sun, drinks, and opens up. I love the simplicity of it. Will my life ever be that way?And here is a happy moment from this past weekend, spent with three of my best friends in the world. We were at Summerfest, an annual celebration in Ayron's hometown, waiting by the pond for the big fireworks display to start. I will miss all three of them. Lindsay will be student teaching, Cathy will be ? - more than likely attending Colorado Boulder this fall for Grad school, and Ayron teaching high schoolers how to be obsessed with singing.

Now, back to the lists!

Stuff I have to do before I leave L-town:

Paint my niece's room with my Sister-in-law
Pack some more
Take wallpaper & border off in my parent's room
Paint walls in parent's room
Lay wood floor in parent's room
Study for exams
Learn some new music
Organize basement kitchen
Repaint cupboards and fix knobs in basement kitchen
Keep up the garden...
Turn 23!

I have full days ahead.

the weekend past

2008-07-07T17:18:00.006-05:00

It has been awhile, so I'll update. I've been sort of freaking out about IU. And I have been busy preparing for a visit from my favorite voice teacher. Here are some highlights of the past few days, in photographs, of course!I've been arranging a lot of flowers lately. The daisies and the hollyhocks are particular favorites in arrangements.

We are beginning to enjoy fresh lettuce and spinach from the May crop. It is so good...one of my favorite fresh things from the garden. YUM!

We also went antiquing a little bit. I have officially decided I'm collecting milk glass, jadite, and green depression glass. Above and below are some of my newest items. I am more obsessed with antiques than someone should be. It is a good thing I don't have enough dough right now to go crazy, because I would. And I don't have the cupboard space. Above: Milk glass. Below: Jadite Jane Ray plates.

What would the fourth have been without fireworks? I did a little reading before the annual fireworks display to try and figure out fireworks photography. It didn't go too badly for my first time!

As I said, tomorrow, Mrs. C is coming into town to visit, and then on Wednesday Ayron and I are returning to Ames to pack our things for our respective moves. Packing sucks. But oh well. hopefully I will find time to write/take photos when I'm in Ames. We'll see how it goes.

into the cornfield

2008-07-01T22:47:00.002-05:00

I woke up this morning, took a few swigs from my Sigg bottle, and headed outside to do yoga on the porch in the sun. I only did three sun salutations and I started to sweat, and so then I did a few favorite asanas. This was the first time I've done yoga in about three months. It has been nearly two years since I've done yoga regularly. It felt so amazing. I am going to make it a goal to do at least five minutes of yoga every morning. I used to do about forty minutes a day (20 when I got up and 20 at night)...so this seems very small and manageable. Those five minutes would only be a couple of sun salutations.

The calm focus of those salutations stayed with me through much of the morning. We took soil samples today in the cornfield, and walking out into the rows, I felt this odd sense of calm, almost like I was outside of myself. I was carrying on my shoulder a small radio that was playing classical music on NPR. Debussy and soil samples? The Vienna Philharmonic and being among the corn? I know, it seems odd.

I am currently reading (and actually finishing) The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan. He talks about the monoculture of corn, their industrial green cities, and everything that comes as a result. It felt so strange, because I was in the middle of the industrial city and economy that is corn in America. I'm no longer a child and it is no longer perfect and simple, but complicated and beautiful.

crying without a reason

2008-06-30T22:10:00.003-05:00

I have felt very emotional over the last few days. Honestly, I think it must be hormones. Seriously. I don't get it. Ayron plays the music that he's thinking about doing with his choir next year, and I have felt tears well up a few times. Or today, I was reading Fern Hill out loud to Ayron. It is one of my favorite poems of all time, and it has been a long time since I've read it. I sometimes forget what it is really about: a young person dying. And it made me so sad. When I got to the last verse, I burst out crying before I finished the last line. I was kind of embarrassed that I did that while trying to read it to Ayron. Oh well. It is a poem so beautiful that it is worth the tears.

Fern Hill
by Dylan Thomas

Now as I was young and easy under the apple boughs
About the lilting house and happy as the grass was green,
    The night above the dingle starry,
         Time let me hail and climb
    Golden in the heydays of his eyes,
And honoured among wagons I was prince of the apple towns
And once below a time I lordly had the trees and leaves
         Trail with daisies and barley
    Down the rivers of the windfall light.

And as I was green and carefree, famous among the barns
About the happy yard and singing as the farm was home,
    In the sun that is young once only,
         Time let me play and be
    Golden in the mercy of his means,
And green and golden I was huntsman and herdsman, the calves
Sang to my horn, the foxes on the hills barked clear and cold,
         And the sabbath rang slowly
    In the pebbles of the holy streams.

All the sun long it was running, it was lovely, the hay
Fields high as the house, the tunes from the chimneys, it was air
    And playing, lovely and watery
         And fire green as grass.
    And nightly under the simple stars
As I rode to sleep the owls were bearing the farm away,
All the moon long I heard, blessed among stables, the nightjars
    Flying with the ricks, and the horses
         Flashing into the dark.

And then to awake, and the farm, like a wanderer white
With the dew, come back, the cock on his shoulder: it was all
    Shining, it was Adam and maiden,
         The sky gathered again
    And the sun grew round that very day.
So it must have been after the birth of the simple light
In the first, spinning place, the spellbound horses walking warm
    Out of the whinnying green stable
         On to the fields of praise.

And honoured among foxes and pheasants by the gay house
Under the new made clouds and happy as the heart was long,
    In the sun born over and over,
         I ran my heedless ways,
    My wishes raced through the house high hay
And nothing I cared, at my sky blue trades, that time allows
In all his tuneful turning so few and such morning songs
    Before the children green and golden
         Follow him out of grace,

Nothing I cared, in the lamb white days, that time would take me
Up to the swallow thronged loft by the shadow of my hand,
    In the moon that is always rising,
         Nor that riding to sleep
    I should hear him fly with the high fields
And wake to the farm forever fled from the childless land.
Oh as I was young and easy in the mercy of his means,
         Time held me green and dying
    Though I sang in my chains like the sea.

I was green and carefree

2008-06-29T22:13:00.004-05:00

Today we went to Canton, where there are several really wonderful antique stores. We usually go up there once or twice each summer. Mom & Dad and I packed a lunch in a cooler and drove there after church. I was on the lookout for depression glass, because Melanie has gotten me started collecting it. I saw mostly amber, some green, and some pink glass. There were several lovely juicers...But I didn't get one of them. I found one that was mounted on a measuring cup that was really unique. I might have to get it when I go next time. The one above was the prettiest for the price.

I got several of these green depression enamel dessert plates, and they'll replace my current dessert plates, which I'm donating to Ayron's cause when he moves into his first apartment alone. He'll need some dishes! Plus, I think after Melanie gave me those beautiful green depression glass pieces, I have decided I'd like my future kitchen to be in shades of green, so I am going to start collecting green and cream-colored/white dishes.

As you can see, I ended up with lots of green after today was over. There were lots of bargains. I just love antiquing.

This last item (pictured above and below) was my big purchase of the day. It wasn't that expensive, but it is totally cool. One of the things that always catches my eye at these antique stores are the beautiful enamel pots and coffee pots. They are often swirled and speckled in blue and white, and they are always expensive. This one, however, wasn't too bad. Plus, it is percolator, which I think will be useful. The even bigger bonus is that it also has a green depression glass top, so I can add it to my collection.

It was a fun day! I never imagined I would like antiquing when I was younger. I guess as I get older I keep surprising myself!

clay on my hands

2008-06-28T20:56:00.002-05:00

Yesterday morning I woke up with an immediate urge to create. I first had the desire to grab my acrylics and paint on canvas, but instead, while I ate breakfast, I hand-carved some rubber stamps. When breakfast was done, I imprinted some pieces of polymer clay with those stamps, creating some raised designs. Then I cut them out and baked them. After lunch, I painted them. After weeding my garden and planting some blueberry bushes, I painted the details on them, and then affixed magnets to them. I was inspired to create magnets like this awhile ago, and this is my first shot at figuring them out. I am going to buy some mini cookie-cutters, and hopefully I'll be able to make them more uniform. But for now, these are the "rough draft." I think they're really charming. I love to create!

not depressed about depression glass

2008-06-27T20:02:00.003-05:00

Last night we had some of our good friends (family actually) over. One of my Dad's cousins, Bruce, and his wife, Melanie, came over to visit and then went out with us to eat at our favorite Mexican food. I just haven't seen them for awhile, and I was really looking forward to it. When Melanie walked in, I was finishing up my Dulce de Leche Cream Cheese Bars (oh my God...so good), and I didn't notice that she came bearing gifts. But then I saw the big gift bag, and I was totally taken aback when I opened it and found these three beautiful depression glass pieces. This is a green "orphan." Melanie explained to me that many candlestick holders remain in depression glass, but it is difficult to find a set. However, there are lots of beautiful orphans out there. I like mixing and matching, and green is my favorite color!

Here's a gorgeous pink orphan. The bottom of it is ribbed...my autofocus blurred that out. Oops. I used to hate pink, but the color has really grown on me over the past few years.

This is the piece of all pieces. A gorgeous serving platter with lovely sunflowers on it. I served my Dulce de Leche bars on them last night, but I can serve a cake on it, or even hors d'oeuvres. Not to mention it is just lovely to look at, and it would just be gorgeous sitting out. It takes my breath away!

Melanie's whole object, besides just being awesome, was to give me something to start collecting. I love antiquing, but mostly I've just been shopping aimlessly. I do collect things with leaves, but no particular kind of china or series of things. I do have one small green depression glass vase already, which makes it even cooler that Melanie chose this. My favorite thing about depression glass is how simple it is. Apparently it was easy to make and its cheerful colors were meant to brighten people up during the depression, when it was made.

Now I just have to think of something nice to do for Melanie...I think creating something with my own hands is in order. But what?

to see my world below

2008-06-25T23:37:00.002-05:00

Why I'm freaking out:

Moving to a new state.
Leaving Ayron & my family.
Fear of a suspended lack of permanent stability.
Fear of making a new home.
Too much to do before I go.
Ears are still broken.
Time here is going to fast.
I am afraid of failing...or disappointing my new teacher.

Why I'm staying calm:

I can hang my hat on my Graduate Assistantship and a teacher who is already supporting me.
Telephones exist for a reason. I couldn't even talk to Ayron when he was in Norway, and we still were fine.
I still have time to enjoy here.
I can make anywhere home.
I will always have a support system here, no matter how far I go.
My voice has always been there.
I am strong.
This is a great opportunity, and I will succeed.

bringing in summer

2008-06-24T22:58:00.006-05:00

My hiatus was a result of a mini-vacation taken to Park Ridge, MN, with a few close friends. It was a wonderful five days spent perusing book shops, eating amazing taffy, playing cards, singing spontaneous chords, watching the Cubs, fishing, wine-tasting, and amazing moments sitting on the deck, taking in whatever miracle nature presented us with.

There was so much simplicity, stillness, and quiet beauty there. The lake was in the backyard, and it was gorgeous. I've never heard loons in person before, but they called back and forth constantly. I am still haunted and enchanted by their voices. We didn't have a lot of luck fishing, but it was so wonderful to bask in the stillness and hope of a line cast into quiet water. The nature really got into me there; I felt inspired in a way that I haven't been for such a long time.

The best part of this trip was definitely getting to spend more time with Tom and Susan. They are both such awesome people. Tom is so giving and he has such a lovely outlook...plus he's just fun, loyal, generous, and hilarious. Susan has so much depth to her, and I really felt a twinge of sadness the more she grew on me, just because I wish our paths had crossed sooner in life. Susan is one of those people who I look into and I feel I see parts of myself. She's a kindred spirit. She's beautiful, she's bold, she seems unafraid. But she is caring and positive and strong. I am lucky I got to hang out with the two of them. The photo above is of Tom and I outside of Companeros, this nice little Mexican restaurant with fab Margaritas. I thought the donkey and cart just begged for a photo.

Here is my Man. It was awesome to spend this time with him, too. I know we're often together, but this felt different. I almost feel like lately, we've been growing closer every day. I am so grateful for him.

One of the cool things we did was to go to Itasca State Park, where we waded into the Headwaters of the Mississippi river. I'm gonna have to say it is pretty cool to be at the head of that mighty river, where it is small and calm and clear.

But despite the fact that it was amazing to unplug, and I got to spend some amazing time with friends, I did miss home. The lilies opened while I was gone. Allison is now able to say "Uh Oh," instead of "Uh bbbbbbbbb," and she can also walk quite a few steps unassisted. Seeds sprouted, new flowers bloomed, and my niece changed. I was only gone for five days...and I felt like it had been so long, and like I missed so much. I can only imagine how things will change over the next two years while I am so far away. I'll think about that another day...

this midwestern sky

2008-06-17T23:08:00.002-05:00

I have become convinced that there is no sky quite like this one. It is the sky of my dreams, the sky of my childhood, the sky of my quiet place. It is the sky under which I first learned to hope, and where I first knew and dreamed of love. It is perfectly blue and pristine...it is the pathway to the heavens, the daily inspiration for all things beautiful.
Above is the bluest, most beautiful summer sky that makes me lose all of my cares and remember greener, younger days. It reminds me of the time when there were basically no worries in my life. It reminds me of a lucid, beautiful world without milestones and with unbelievable possibilities. The best part is that it still exists.

This is tonight's moonlit sky. I'm trying to learn to use my new camera to get longer exposures. I'm not getting the clearest picture, but this one captures the spirit of tonight's sky, nonetheless. It is full of a dark and mysterious beauty. It is the blanket over a quiet world. It is soft and soothing, enchanting and it encourages me to dream.

One of the best skies all summer, this is from over one week ago. When I find myself a witness to skies like this one, I find that I cannot deny the presence of God. It is because such beauty escapes words, and I am dwarfed in the presence of something I cannot understand. I imagine the artist of all artists, creating this beauty for hearts like mine, creating something that cannot ever be duplicated and that cannot be bought.

productivity

2008-06-12T20:29:00.004-05:00

I made invitations for the annual family reunion from my Dad's mother's side. Each year one part of the family is in charge of setting it up/sending invites...and this year it was ours. I like making invitations. So I whipped these up. The printer was running out of ink, so I constantly had to change the color, but I just grabbed random cardstock and mounted the invitations in many different ways. I'm glad I'm done, though...and it was fun!

Pictured above is one reason I need to start doing yoga again. I made these tasty blondies today...and they are basically like chocolate chip cookies in bar form. At least I went for a walk twice...probably almost three miles total. But still, there is nothing that can make up for the four of these I ate. Plus, tonight is Thursday. Mexican night. I am in need of yoga. I think I'll do some relaxing sequence before I go to bed. Time to get back on the wagon!

Ayron and I have been apart for the past couple of days. We will reunite tomorrow...and I'm really looking forward to it!

one of these things first

2008-06-11T23:11:00.002-05:00

After being in Ames and Indiana for the past week, I missed a lot of small things in nature. It is crazy how much you miss in that time period; the opening of new flowers, buckets and buckets of rain, the admission of new plants to the world from the ground. The fading of flowers and the birth of new ones in their place...The clematis opened up and bloomed. This is always one of my favorites...and it lasts all season long. :) When I was a kid and my Mother forced me to garden, I really couldn't have foreseen how much I'd love it.

The Borage has spent many blooms already. It is my goal to capture the image of a busy bumblebee at this plant sometime this summer. Bees seem to love Borage so much that there is one there almost every time I pass by. Supposedly Borage makes good tea, too, but we haven't checked that out. All I know is its invasive, it blooms profusely, and it isn't good for much of anything...at this point. Except sustaining bees!

Peonies will forever be one of my favorite flowers. Though I've been dreaming of one of those lovely peach hybrids, the original pink/magenta is glorious. I immediately noticed that the peonies were blooming when I returned home yesterday. I already have some in a bouquet on the kitchen table.

The vegetable garden is going more slowly than we'd like. This is mostly due to excessive rain and the difficulty of getting all of the ground tilled at once. However, we are on our way to getting everything finished. Tomorrow, I may be able to finish planting the flowers and the carrots and radishes. Then I should be done. These delicate cabbages are waiting for their protective black buckets to protect them from rain and keep water in.

Remember those seedlings from an earlier post? Well, here they are, progressing! They are beautiful little lettuce plants...and they'll grow fast if it keeps raining like it has. I was so mad when I saw the weed that snuck its way into this photograph, but I guess I'm just showing it like it is. I have some major weeding work to do.

I love summer.

a green embrace

2008-06-08T20:37:00.003-05:00

I’m completely, totally, and hopelessly in love with leaves. Perhaps it is their charm when they are shot through with sunlight, their veins flowing with their golden source of life. Perhaps it is the way they look when they are new, unfurling and blindingly green, with the promise of spring, the promise of a thaw of all the passions that have lain dormant throughout the frozen winter months. Perhaps it is the way they look, silhouetted against the setting sun, stark and soft at the same time. It could be the way they glimmer in the fall, when they don the colors of the fiery spectrum and contemplate their descent to the ground, where they are swallowed up by the earth to be a part of the new growth of life.

My mother says I like leaves because I am always looking for growth in my life. I think she could be right, although I think that search must be somewhat subconscious. Sure, I have consciously realized that I love leaves. All you have to do is walk into my kitchen. There are leaf plates, bowls, mugs, serving platters, and salt and pepper shakers. I have a leaf-shaped metal dish to catch my keys at night. I have leaf containers holding my vitamins, and my contact case. I have several necklaces with leaves…the first of which I acquired at the Kunsthistoriches Museum in Vienna. I have leaf earrings…I've made more sets than I can count. I have purses with leaves on them, and I include leaves in my life all the time.

I collected a few of my favorite leaf things and took photos of them. I'm back in Ames, and so a lot of my leaf things are in LeMars....but it is interesting to consciously realize how many leaves have found their way into my life.

Here's to growth. To possibility. To things new and old and changing. To leaves.

in bloom

2008-06-07T21:16:00.003-05:00

Today we got stranded in Bloomington, because of the horrible floods that have hit south central Indiana. After we had chosen our apartment, gotten a celebratory ice cream snack, and started our journey, we were told at the first town we came to to turn back because of the extensive floods. So here we are, still in Hoosier country, spending another night in our hotel.

Top 3 hilarious moments:

1. Finding out all of the different "definitions" of Hoosier from our waitress at Malibu Grill. She polled a bunch of her customers and others in the restaurant. My favorite answer? "Well, some guy with a thick southern accent often had people trespassing on his property. He would often yell as loudly as he could, 'Who's there?' It sounded something like this: 'Whooooooooose Therrrrr?' And apparently turned into, 'Whoooooosssyeeeerrrrrr?' And then, BANG! You've got Hoosier."

2. When we were eating at Olive Garden, we left, and as we walked to the car, we heard the sirens go off. Stacey and her mother were especially freaked out, and went inside directly to ask the restaurant staff for help. In Iowa, the sirens go off when there is a tornado, and it means, "Get into the basement as soon as possible." Apparently, in Indiana, they set off the sirens for any kind of severe weather. Or when someone sneezes. So, needless to say, the restaurant staff looked at us worried Iowans like we were crazy. They must be used to sirens.

3. The man working at the intersection of St Rd 46 & St Rd 231 today, whom we affectionately refer to as, 'Big guy in a little vest', tried to help us find a way to Iowa. He had a thick southern accent, and when we talked about taking 231 south, he said, in his thick southern drawl, "That there's hill country m'aam. You might find a place to stay in Vincennes." Then he told us to "turn back around and head to Bloomington." His accent and demeanor made him funny. That and his impossibly small, bright orange vest.

Other stuff I loved:

We ate at Chili's for supper tonight, and our waiter was awesome. He was this handsome college guy who was so friendly. I have to say, everyone we've encountered so far has been very, very friendly, and very helpful. I am impressed by the way we've been treated everywhere we go. The waiter told us to get Margaritas, and that if he was on the winning team who sold the most Margaritas that night, that he'd be a part of a free paintballing trip. I found it very charming. So we all got Margaritas. And he also helped us to find directions around the flooding, if we would need it. Then, a familiar face popped out of the wait staff, and we saw the girl who showed us the first apartments we looked at, apparently working her night-job as a waitress. She came back and talked to us a couple of times, and she was very friendly. Even if we're stuck, at least we've had fun!

Well...I need to go to bed. We will be getting up early tomorrow to try and get back to Iowa.

Goal 1: Find an apartment: check.
Goal 2: Have fun. check.
Goal 3: Explore Bloomington: check.

Here's to being in Bloom. :)

I am not alone

2008-06-06T21:07:00.004-05:00

Today, we got up very early, and I spent a lot of time wandering around one of the music buildings at Indiana University. It was so quiet, it was almost eerie, and I spent time going in and out of practice rooms, walking down long, winding halls.

One of the rooms had lots of writing on the wall. There was a conversation between five different people about religion. Some were obscene, and some were human. Sometimes, I wonder about the above statement. This a fear every music major has...and maybe every human being. We are always afraid that our best just won't cut it. But every day we take steps toward our dreams. I felt moved somewhere deep inside myself when I read those words above.

Those pianos had a lot of character. Some also desperately needed cleaning. It made all of our pianos at Iowa State look like amazing, expensive, beautiful models. Even our worst ones. But at least they were in tune.

Merrill Hall itself is lovely. My favorite part of the exterior is that above all of the upper floor windows, there are large engravings of composers' names. It is a reminder of those amazing giants of intellect, art, and spirituality who precede us, who have given us a reason to do what we do. It is very inspiring.

Here is one of the pianos that was in the worst shape. It looks like someone got angry at Beethoven, or perhaps Chopin, or maybe even Rachmaninoff and his huge hands. So they scratched off the black enamel above the keys. Tsk Tsk. At least it gives it character.

The front door to my new life.

I practiced at this piano today. It was in a little better shape, but this is the one with the dusty inside. It felt good to open up and sing today, even though it was really early. I warmed up at about eight fifteen, which is exceptionally early for me. I hadn't gotten much sleep either, but it felt remarkably good to be in a practice room. As long as I'm singing, I feel at home. I am still worried, and that question sometimes runs through my mind, "Will my best be good enough?" For now, I will quiet it, and open up and do what I am born to do. Sing.

the beautiful possibilities

2008-06-05T21:40:00.003-05:00

Today, as we left Ames for Bloomington, I felt the familiar apprehension of leaving a familiar place to go to a new place. On my first trip to Bloomington, this apprehension was actually excitement. I was excited to imagine myself inside of the life of a person going to one of the best grad school voice programs in the country. I was excited to meet a new person, a voice teacher who is one of the best around, and who has been very successful with very successful students. On my second trip to Bloomington, I felt excitement because I was shooting for the moon, not only imagining myself as a graduate student at the Jacobs School of Music, but also competing for a spot there.

This time, I am inside of that life, where I am a person going to one of the best graduate school voice programs in the country. I will be studying with that amazing voice teacher. I will be pursuing my dreams, and not chasing after them, but I feel like I have them by the tail.

This is an exhilarating feeling. When I opened my acceptance letter, and then my financial aid letter, finding out I will be an assistant and that this dream education will be funded for me, I cannot possibly describe to you that feeling. It is everything I dreamed about, and that I thought would only be possible in those dreams.

And now I stand on the brink of embarking upon this, the next step in my life, and my career, excited and exhilarated, and all that I can think about is how much I am going to miss Ayron (I took the above photo of my calendar from when he was in Norway...I still haven't gotten around to clearing it). Ok, I lied. That isn't all I think about. I think about how much I love singing, and I think about how much I like Bloomington. But predominant in my mind sometimes is the aching feeling of distance separating me from my family and from the man that I love.

I keep telling myself: "This will be hard, but beautiful. You are strong. You are courageous. You will get through it and be happy and you will find ways to be with those you love." And then I think some more, and I wonder what comes next? What comes when I am here? What will I feel? What comes when I graduate? Where do I go?

The possibilities are endless. And to be honest with you, it isn't so bad to have such endless possibilities. It is a blessing to be overflowing with these things, and to have such beautiful choices and chances in my life.

wrapped in uncertainty

2008-06-04T22:14:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow morning, I'm heading to Indiana with my future roommate to find a place to live next year. I'm feeling apprehensive. It looks like there are a couple of nice options, but I will feel better when we actually get to see them. It seems like the best things are already taken, which is to be expected of course...but I just really want to love where I live. Creating a home where I am comfortable and cozy is very important to me, and I haven't really had to share this big decision with someone else before...at least not in this way...so I'm just hoping it all goes smoothly and we end up finding a wonderful place where we can create a home.

I think I just feel uncertain in general about life right now...just because I'm in that inbetween place where I'm not sure what is going to happen in the next few years. I am unsure about all aspects of life...how often I will see my family, what affect long distance will have on my relationship, how I will do with a new teacher, what Bloomington will feel like compared to what I have been used to, and just feeling like I fit in at a new place in general.

I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm always fine. I always make it work...and I've handled all of my life transitions wonderfully so far. But there is still that nagging uncertainty...

opening up like I'm new

2008-06-03T22:35:00.002-05:00

With my my new Nikon, I have been encouraged to look at the world in a new way. Ordinary, everyday things seem to look even more beautiful through my lens. I have never really gotten into photography seriously, but I have always enjoyed it. The past few days with my new camera in hand have been amazing. I've taken hundreds of pictures, and I've been looking for beauty in ordinary and unlikely places. I keep a photoblog, too, that I've mentioned before, and I find myself wanting to post pictures everywhere! So I'm sorry for those of you who read both and who may not be that into photography!

The old woven mat outside of the deck door. It has a lot of character.

This is Dad's chicken statue. I don't know how it has gotten cracked, but I think its imperfections give it beauty.

I'm always a sucker for natural beauty. The lichens and moss on this honeylocust are beautiful in the cool golden evening.

This is the same honeylocust. I love the promise of green, the growth of leaves. There is such impossible promise in nature.

This silver plant is in one of my containers this year. It creates such beautiful patterns up close, and it has an ethereal feeling.

Thanks for bearing with me and my photos. I'm having such a great time, and I'm loving my life behind the lens.

progress

2008-06-02T23:32:00.003-05:00

Last week, the bed where I planted greens looked like this. I was feeling depressed...after a hard rain and a few days of sun, the earth was cracked with a hard crust.

But alas! I found these seedlings poking through this morning, after another rain last night. These are lettuce...and soon they will be curly and tasty. Ayron and I had to go and get the fences to put up around the bed, to keep the rabbits from eating them.

Here they are, in their tiny little row...

It is just starting to feel like summer to me today, and I'm loving it. Ayron and I are watching the Cubs right now...and it almost feels like I don't have a care in the world. I've been kind of sick lately...with a really sore throat already a couple of times this summer. I'm beginning to wonder if I have allergies? I had a very bad sore throat the day after mowing in the pine grove...I know I inhaled some dust from the trees. Oh well.

Only a couple of days left here in LeMars before I go to Indiana with Stacey to find an apartment for next year. I'm feeling kind of nervous about it...I hope we find a nice place. There are some amazingly priced places there, and then some really expensive ones. Hopefully we find a great one somewhere inbetween. I've been really spoiled in Somerset for the past four years.

Oh well! All I need is some time...in everything from my Garden to the details of my life...and things will flourish.

if you can't stand the heat

2008-06-01T20:34:00.000-05:00

...stay in the kitchen. Today it was really hot in the afternoon, so instead of being outside, I spent time in the kitchen.

I took advantage of the late spring bounty in the garden. Mom suggested I make something with rhubarb, so I did.

And I threw in some strawberries for good measure. Rhubarb and strawberries are such a great combination!

What became of the combination was this Strawberry-Rhubarb Tart. This was my first tart, so I finally broke in the tart pan I got last fall. It had a sort of tricky toasted oatmeal crust, and I had a hard time getting it to roll out. This recipe had so many steps that for awhile I regretted tackling it, but in the end it was worth it. And it was tasty!

Strawberry-Rhubarb Tart, from EatingWell.com

Filling
2 cups diced fresh or frozen rhubarb
3 cups fresh strawberries, sliced, divided
1/4 cup sugar or Splenda Granular (see Ingredient note)
1/2 teaspoon freshly grated lemon zest
1 1/2 tablespoons cornstarch
1 tablespoon cold water
3 tablespoons red currant jelly

Crust
1/2 cup old-fashioned rolled oats
3 tablespoons 1% milk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
2/3 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 cup sugar
1 teaspoon freshly grated lemon zest
3/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons canola oil

1. To prepare filling: Combine rhubarb, 1 cup strawberries, sugar (or Splenda) and lemon zest in a large nonreactive saucepan. Let stand for 20 minutes (35 minutes if rhubarb is frozen). Bring to a simmer over medium-low heat. Cook, stirring often, until the rhubarb is tender but still holds its shape, 5 to 8 minutes.
2. Meanwhile, stir cornstarch and water in a small bowl until smooth. Stir into the simmering fruit. Cook, stirring constantly, until the mixture is clear and very thick, about 1 minute. Transfer to a bowl. Place a piece of plastic wrap directly on the surface and refrigerate until chilled.
3. To prepare crust & assemble tart: Preheat oven to 350°F. Coat a 9-inch tart pan with a removable bottom with cooking spray.
4. Spread oats in a small baking dish and bake, stirring occasionally, until toasted, 10 to 15 minutes. Let cool. Place the oats in a food processor and process until finely ground.
5. Combine milk and vanilla in a small bowl. Whisk the ground oats, flour, sugar, lemon zest, baking powder and salt in a large bowl. Drizzle oil onto the dry ingredients and stir with a fork or your fingers until crumbly. Use a fork to stir in the milk mixture, 1 tablespoon at a time, until the dough just comes together.
6. Turn the dough out onto a floured work surface and knead 7 to 8 times. Roll the dough out to an 11-inch circle, dusting with flour if necessary. Transfer to the prepared pan, pressing to fit. Trim the edges.
7. Line the tart shell with a piece of foil or parchment paper and fill with pie weights or dried beans. Bake the tart shell until set, 10 to 12 minutes. Remove weights and foil or paper and bake until lightly browned, 8 to 12 minutes more. Cool in the pan on a wire rack.
8. Shortly before serving, spread the strawberry-rhubarb filling evenly into the tart shell. Arrange the remaining 2 cups strawberries decoratively over the filling.
9. Heat jelly in a small saucepan over low heat, stirring constantly. With a pastry brush, glaze the strawberries with the jelly.

And then I figured, as long as I'm at it, I might as well make use of the overripe bananas on the counter. So I made these Banana Muffins with Honey-Cinnamon frosting. They were easy compared to the tart...and boy are they tasty.They were inspired by Martha. I love her. Find the recipe here.

I was not responsible for these beauties. My Mom, my inspiration and the lovely woman who taught me everything I know, was busy at my side today. They were also delicious. They are mini rhubarb quick loaves.

Perhaps the most important thing to me about my next apartment? The size of the kitchen.

dreaming of terra cotta

2008-05-29T20:34:00.003-05:00

Today, in my art journal, I combined receipts and stamps from Italy and miscellaneous papers from Florence to create a gorgeous collage in the colors of Florence skies and Florence wine. I started going through the ziploc bags of receipts, museum tickets, art brochures, and just general memorabilia from my semester abroad. I have been going through my photos lately too, picking which ones I want to get printed. I've decided that I'm going to take those bags of memorabilia and mount them all in a book for myself. I'm going to write everything I remember about the events in the pages next to them, because there is already so much I've forgotten that I'm afraid if I don't write it all down, twenty years from now, I will have forgotten. I can use my journal entries and my photographs to help tell the stories. I am really looking forward to this project...all I need is the book and some printed photos...and I'll be ready to record my memories in a visual and artistic display I can cherish for years to come.

I love remembering the espresso and the terra cotta...the shops and the street vendors. I love remembering Kevin's face, and the Cathedrals, and walking by the Baptistery. I love the memories of the gypsies on their impossibly tall wedges, the old woman and her son who worked at the vegetable stand on Via Servi, and the strange treasures in Por que no? I miss Fabrizo Tranquilli, the potter who made the bowls I use daily, and who encouraged me to buy "local" in Florence...not to support the department stores. I miss the carousel in the Piazza della Repubblica, and shops that lined Via del Corso.

I know when I look through my pictures that I will go back someday, and it will be like going home.

turn, turn, turn

2008-05-28T20:01:00.004-05:00

I feel something tugging at me...like I have unfinished business. I feel like I'm forgetting something. Am I crazy?

I think it is just change. Graduating from college, the whole world is opening up to me again. I know where I'm headed, but I don't know what it will be like. I also feel this gripping potential in so many places...I feel this constant opening and unfolding of new ideas for creating things. And yet, I feel like there is something keeping me from really relaxing and enjoying it all.

My fears:
-Being far from Ayron-
-Being far from family-
-Not making enough time for art...other than singing-
-Losing myself and re-forming all over-
-Entrance exams!-
-Getting to know a new town-

My dreams:
-Flourishing and loving IU-
-Singing in operas at IU-
-Realizing my artistic and singing potential-
-Making the connections I need for a career-
-Doing the Met Auditions-

I just need to relax, breathe, open up, and let go.

shooting up with sunrise

2008-05-25T23:12:00.004-05:00

This whole weekend has been rather strange. After a Saturday morning spent organizing my room and babysitting Toots McGee, my parents returned home talking about ambulance that they saw pull into a neighbor's driveway. When they got in contact with my brother, we discovered that a good friend of ours had been hurt, but we waited until early afternoon to find out that he had suddenly passed away after a massive heart attack, leaving behind a wife and two boys. He was one of my brother's good friends, and he was quite young, so everyone is feeling shaken up and very sad about it. I only loaded hogs with Jon once...last summer, but I remember his face well, and I babysat for his boys when they were very young. He was so nice and so kind, and a good man. I didn't know him well, but well enough to cry when I found out he'd died. It is very sad.

At church this morning, I was recognized for graduating, alongside a girl who just finished medical school. She wasn't there, but I got to speak to lots of people afterward about my plans. Most of them are very supportive, but some people look at me like I'm strange. I have to admit that I feel a struggle with close friends and family truly identifying with the validity of my chosen vocation. I know that I shouldn't let it bother me, but when I tell people in my family that I've graduated with a degree in Music, and that I am further pursuing music in Graduate school, they often make comments like, "Interesting," or "That's something." And then they give me that look that says, "What are you going to do with that?" I suppose I can't hold it against them, because it is a road less traveled, to seriously pursue art. I often wonder if some of my friends and members of this community or even family members think that what I do is really easy, like that I have always had this talent my whole life, and that I have just woken up every morning with a clear soprano voice. I know I can't hold it against them that they don't understand the work that goes into it, and the many facets of study and discipline it takes to be a successful classical singer. I can't judge them for their lack of knowledge in this area...how are they supposed to know? I suppose that no one has said anything offensive or mean to me about it. So perhaps this is me jumping to conclusions.

But seriously. I pour my whole heart and my whole soul, emotionally and physically, into this art of singing. It takes so much energy and so much preparation, and ultimately, we only have so much control over what comes out. It really is a lot of stress and a lot of chance, and we prepare so meticulously for performances. But you just don't know what is going to happen.

And I wish people realized how hard that is...how valid. I wish people realized that a Bachelor of Music is not a useless degree. I wish people saw that I can be a very successful person pursuing a career in the Arts. I wish they knew.

molding my inspiration

2008-05-24T23:16:00.003-05:00

My sister-in-law Liz and I spent some time today surfing the net side-by-side on the living room couch, pausing to play with Toots McGee when she wasn't flying around being too cool to play with us. (This isn't very often....as she usually wants to do whatever we're doing.) Anyway, I spent some time on one of my favorite websites, Etsy. Liz paid me this lovely and unexpected compliment today, saying that my style seems put together, or my sense of style seems more cohesive because I often use leaves in so much of what I wear or what I decorate with. I guess she's right. My Mom looked at me and laughed and said, "You have a problem dear. You're obsessed with leaves." I begged to differ, and promptly searched Etsy for some new leaf treasures. I added a lot of things to my favorites today, including a seller, blockpartypress. The images above come from their products. I have an ancient lump of Sculpey polymer clay, and it has just been waiting for an exciting crafts project. Therefore, I will set about sculpting myself some earrings that look like these above...tomorrow. I am certain I will have difficulty producing something so beautiful, but I will certainly try!

the world turned over

2008-05-23T22:54:00.002-05:00

today's little moments|tomorrow's ambitions

early morning with Dad|should start getting up earlier
grandpa's singing, childlike and fun|runny nose go away! I need to sing more
finally put Easter eggs to rest|need to organize my closet
took some photos|must organize my Italy photos
grocery shopping|feel the need to be GREENER

Summer is stretching open before me, and yet I feel there is some unfinished business. Like perhaps I should start browsing and planning for Indiana more. I think I'm more afraid than I admit. I think it seems bigger than I can imagine. I think I need to face the music soon...

new soul

2008-05-22T23:10:00.003-05:00

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

See I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate? Try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make

* * *

I have a lot to learn...about life and about myself.

rainbows and railways

2008-05-19T12:10:00.003-05:00

Ayron took this picture in Rosendal, sitting on his back porch. It almost doesn't even look real to my eyes, but it is achingly beautiful.

Ayron has been back for eleven days now, and it feels very good to have him around again. I've been back in Ames for the past couple of days, sorting through my things and deciding what I can leave at home and what I should take with me when I make the move to Indiana this fall. It is kind of a sad process. I'm very comfortable here with him, and while I think I'm quite open to change, I don't think it is going to be easy. I've been thinking about it a lot over the past few days, and every time the thought of us not being together comes up in my mind, I push it back and say it isn't going to happen for awhile.

I know it isn't going to be easy, but I am hoping it will be easier than I think. I suppose if we are both really busy these next couple of years it might not be as hard. But still, I can't help but wonder what is going to happen after that?

What I do know is that I love him very much, and that I have a very supportive family, and I'm sure these things will help make it easier. I'm also guessing I'm going to really enjoy Bloomington and IU and also that I will learn to love singing even more than I did before.

I guess some of my deepest fears are losing life's little simplicities that I have come to love so much. I am afraid of getting too caught up in the fast pace of things, and not taking enough time out to enjoy the reason we're living in the first place.

There are lots of uncertainties, but I am thankful to have choices in my life and to be facing change because of such a joyful thing. I'm sure that much reflection and relaxation and lots of singing will help me to feel ready for this transition.

company

2008-05-16T22:01:00.004-05:00

Today, this is what kept me company:

I planted a lot of beautiful flowers today...and also yesterday. My hands are a little drier and more callused, and I'm sunburned. I got the sunscreen on too late! But I love gardening. Even if it wears me out.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Oh Lord, my niece is adorable. Seriously. I have gotten to babysit her for two days this week, and I've also seen her everyday. She even went with Mom and I to church today when I practiced. She heard me warm up and sing part of a couple of arias.

Lucky the dog. He gets bored easily, especially when it is nice outside and there is a baby to take the attention away from him. But he's still great company, and I still love him.

I have a lot to be thankful for!

why I love second hand stores...

2008-05-14T23:17:00.008-05:00

Today, Mom and I went second hand shopping. Second hand shopping is something I picked up from my Mom when I was still really young (like third or fourth grade) and it has been one of our favorite things to do together since. There is a small town just north of us that has amazing second hand stores, ones where you find designer clothes and all kinds of wonderful things. Some trips there have been fruitful and others have been disappointing, but today's trip was far from disappointing. I know it is kind of excessive, but I got four pairs of shoes. And a handbag. And a pair of jeans and a pretty blue shirt. I love shoes way too much.

Gladiator-like sandals...beautiful and comfortable...barely worn. And 12 dollars.

Shiny flip-flops. These were much more worn and broken in...but they are sparkly. Need I say more? Oh...four dollars.

Steve Madden gold flats. These are right up my alley. Also barely worn, not even broken in. $9.99.

These were the major jackpot. Born metallic leather thong sandals. I have been wanting a pair of these t-strap style sandals for awhile...and I've been drooling over a very similar pair at the mall for a month now. They were fifty dollars. These sandals were originally over eighty dollars. I got them for $12.99.

Metallic leather bag that just happens to match above sandals...and it fits all of my crap and is really cute and simple...$9.99.

Mom, today was awesome. I had fun this morning and tonight and all day with you. I'd say I can't wait to do it again...but my closet won't have room!

reunion

2008-05-09T22:11:00.006-05:00

This is the end of the divide
magnificent and starry-eyed
the broken waters, drifting tide
are forced to take the lilting ride
and now we are together.

I am not tied with silken seams
but filmy, searing, golden dreams
as our minds followed all the streams
we did as all the poets deemed
and found our lives together.

Missing: Gilli

2008-04-28T22:57:00.002-05:00

With Ayron in Europe, I've been thinking about Florence more and more every day. I keep browsing through my old photos, especially the everyday ones like photos from my walk to school. I passed by Gilli, which had the most decadent chocolate and pastries. It was more expensive than the Pasticceria on Via Servi that I frequented more often, but I remember going in more than once to indulge. I miss little specialty shops like this...I miss my walk to school. I miss the people and the Piazzas, the cathedrals and the museums, and the wine and the food. We do have a Chocolaterie downtown in Ames. I should check it out sometime. Maybe it would remind me of Gilli and more decadent days.

the living is easy

2008-04-26T00:42:00.001-05:00

Did I dream all those years
drenched in rain and summer sun
stretched out between the first day
where October cried her leaves
and the rainy night in November
when I hoped for something
that lived in the arms of a dragon

I must have imagined
that deep, dark underground
where I spray-painted my dreams
onto walls which have never seen
the milky eyes of daylight

I must have woken up somewhere
between those gray dreaming hours
and the sparkling white of my own
white halls of silent imaginings

And instead of hopelessness
I find you, wrapped up in the green of youth
tied up to the roots of trees
and coated in their leaves

And instead of the damp cold
I find you, warm as you were that first
cool September evening
When I was supposed to be running
from all that I am
but I paused when you stood
on the path of tears

And instead of the end
there is you,
all ready to reform again
restart, rejoin, relive again
the promises from before
are blooming in the place
where the sun
has never shown her face

the pleasures of grading tests

2008-04-21T20:06:00.003-05:00

Oh, how I will miss grading tests when I'm finished being a TA for Dr. Sturm. I can't decide if I'm typing that with sarcasm or not.

Funniest answers:

Which composer from the British Isles "discovered" the sounds Chopin came to use so successfully, yet before Chopin did? Elton John.

Name one opera from Verdi's early period (pre-1853). The Needle in the Haystack.

You will hear two excerpts. Identify what the music is programmatically describing in each excerpt.

1. Correct answer: The heartbeat of a dying man
Her answer: 11:00pm on April 15 when you're still frantically doing your taxes.
2. Correct answer: The Transfiguration of the Hero
Her answer: The blissful joy of the end of Finals week. Rabbits scampering throughout central campus. The exile of the crows.

we'd all have a bite

2008-04-21T18:53:00.003-05:00

to be:
-opera singer-
-wine connoisseur-
-poet-
-gardener-
-patient-
-in shape-
-content-
-free-

to do:
-correct Sturm tests-
-film a Deutsch video-
-graduate-
-get back in shape vocally-
-stop tossing & turning-
-revive houseplants-

to make:

-quiche-
-jewelry-
-canvas shopping bags with iron-ons-
-curtains for my room-
-summery pillows-
-ribbon board for photo display-
-evil brownies-

simple pleasure: martha madness

2008-04-19T20:46:00.005-05:00

I've been getting Body & Soul magazine for a few months now, thanks to a present from Ayron. And because of the thoughtfulness of my sister-in-law, Liz, I now get Martha Stewart magazine. Ok, I have to admit it. I am totally obsessed with Martha Stewart. I think that this is atypical of most 22-year-olds, or maybe I'm incorrect, and every 22-year-old girl loves Martha the way I do.

It all started when I was in seventh grade. My Mom has always been into all things involving cookbooks (thanks again, Mom...I am now just like you). We went to the public library a lot in the summertime, and we'd check out Magazines and books and more books, especially cookbooks. My mother checked out this book of Martha Stewart's...and you have to remember, this was 1997, Martha was all the rage back then, in a totally different way than she is now. But anyway, the book was called "How to Decorate." Now, as an out-of-control, energy-filled seventh grader, Decorating was not my main objective in life. Mostly, my main objective was getting my Mom's list of chores done as fast as possible so I would waste the rest of the day away laying in the sun, daydreaming, reading, drawing...you name it.

But this book just fascinated me. I'm going to have to blame it on 4-H. I was usually enrolled in the "Home Improvement" category, where I did some sort of project involving table-setting or decorating or making my own beeswax candles. Thanks Mom. You made me do it all, but I'm glad I did it.

I would snatch "How to Decorate" at night just before bed. Then I would light this apple-cinnamon candle on my nightstand, and settle under the covers to thumb through the pages of Martha's book, which showed images from her houses and others who had been touched by her decorating wisdom. The images that appealed to me the most were those of breezy bedrooms, where a single, wire-framed bed adorned in white sat alongside a simple wooden night table. The colors of the rooms were airy blues and greens, and many of the scenes had this delicate, sophisticated simplicity about them that I really yearned for. As a crazy 11 year old girl, my surroundings were anything but simple. My room was a complete disaster area most of the time, and everything was mismatched as I confronted the stage of my life where I would go through the painful changes from childhood to adolescence. Martha made me feel really peaceful. I probably looked through that book every night for the three weeks we had it, and I never wanted to let it go.

I stopped thinking about Martha and her perfect rooms as I changed over the next ten years, fell in loved with music, graduated high school, entered college, and lived in Florence. Finally, when was a senior in college, my obsession for Martha resurfaced. The summer after my senior year, when I had traded my adolescent interests in for deep loves of cooking and baking and flower arranging, and of course, decorating, I went looking in my hometown library for that book, hoping to find it and to see if I really remembered the pictures perfectly. The book was nowhere to be found, and at that time, I couldn't even remember the title. So I went online and began searching for Martha Stewart's books on Amazon. I came across "How to Decorate" eventually, and I used the sneak peak feature to see if I recognized any of the photos. They all seemed very familiar, even though I wanted to find a specific picture I thought I remembered. I went ahead and ordered the book, hoping I'd come up with the right one.

When it arrived, I knew it was the right book. I opened it up to one of the first pages, and I saw the scene of the simple bed in the light blue room. It took me right back to that summer, and I still look at it before bed sometimes, just to relax. It makes me feel peaceful, and even happy. When I smell a really good apple cinnamon candle sometimes it makes me think of those nights in bed listening to the frogs and crickets singing through the windows, curled up with Martha.

And now, more than halfway through my 22nd year, I am the proud owner of five Martha Stewart books and I get her magazine every month. She's awesome.

the green sea of silence

2008-04-17T22:49:00.002-05:00

I have been sick for the past two days...on antibiotics and bed-ridden. It has given me a lot of time to think about life, to delve deeply into past lives. I read a lot of old posts from this blog, and I couldn't believe how much I've changed. I used to be so open with everything I felt, and now I often keep these things to myself, mostly because as I've gotten older, things have been more complicated, less about finding myself and more about finding contentment and peace. I used to live for art and for poetry, and honestly, poetry like I used to write with meter and rhyme doesn't hardly seem to exist anymore. I wonder if it ever will again for me? I still write pretty good free verse when I feel like it. I can't help but wonder what has changed. I found this old comment from a guy on my old Deviantart account:

Ce'st magnifique, the imagery alone that you work with is inspiring. Many writers use overused imagery and few have the capacity to make their own. I've come to believe that alot of the writers nowadays don't really know how to write poetry in the classical sense. I know that sounds harsh, and I'm not directing it at anyone is specific, but I think it's true. They are exceedingly good at presenting emotions of lost love and anger in someone else's words mingled with their own; but few have what you have. It takes a real talent to be able to present your emotion in verse, in good verse at least. I don't mean to sound like a jerk... I just think that the art of poetry as it once was has been left behind for the most part. I like rhyme and metre in poetry; not exclusively though, I can certainly appreciate a good freeform and unrhyming set of verse. Your poetry defies what poetry has become. You write with a force and art that we see only in reading past poets. You must be well read, at least to some degree. And your diction is also quite developed, I really appreciate that, most of all I think, in poetry. Your choice of words is refreshing and well educated.

It still flatters me beyond belief to think that someone would like my poetry like that. It also really makes me wish I could still do it. And I'm sure I can do it, I know it is in me somewhere if I used to do it, but I still wonder if I'll do it again. Because for me, when I force poetry, it is just terrible. And it has literally been two or three years since the poetry has just flown out of me. I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me that I don't do it anymore.

I am at a very big changing point in my life. Next year I'm going to be a Graduate Assistant at Indiana University, and I am beyond excited. For the first time in my life, a career singing opera seems to be truly within my reach. I've been dreaming about it nonstop for such a long time, and just dying to do it for a couple of years, and now that it might be possible, I'm a little freaked out. Does this happen to everyone, I wonder? I can't help but feel uncertain about my future. I'm sure I felt like this five years ago when I was about to make a change and move to Ames and start coming to ISU...feeling ambiguous about things. But I'm sure I'll get bitten even harder this time, and I will live to sing more than ever before. Right now I live pretty much to sing. And the most reliable thing in my life aside from my family and most friends is my voice. It has almost always been there fore me, even through getting diagnosed with PET and through breakups and through all of my moments of being unsure.

I have been silent for so long on this blog, attempting to drag up my daily inspiration for sharing my life and keeping some record so these years don't get swallowed up in the whirlwind of this life. I am growing and changing, and I have things to say and hopes and dreams to share, and I have been holding them inside for so long because of some unknown fear. For about a year and a half especially, I have been very afraid of putting myself out there, because of problems in my long term relationship and problems with my health, and fears about deciding what to do with my life. I think I began to shut down the part of me that expressed important things, because I was afraid those things would disappoint or make uncomfortable the most important people in my life. And as a result my ability to express my thoughts, hopes, and, dreams with any kind of fluency became next to impossible.

But you know what? Problems with all of those things are getting better. Ayron and I are doing better than ever, even though he is in Norway. We are actually talking through our differences and the things that have alienated us from one another. We're both giving so much more and I am trying so much more to be patient and understanding. I want to attempt to live my life with grace and love, even for those who have hurt me. And this is opening up my heart in a new way. I guess the old adage, absence makes the heart fonder, really is true.

My ears are not better, despite a long run of craniosacral massage therapy. I am a more relaxed person, better able to face my everyday struggles and armed with the knowledge that streamlining my life makes me a lot happier than saying "yes" to everything. I just feel like my illness is misunderstood by just about everyone, except my first therapist, Mike. Steve is really wonderful, too, but I think his goal was solving the underlying problems that really made my life difficult to live, such as carrying all of my stress in my heart and trying to be a stubborn, strong, go-getter 100% of the time, who buried everything inside of her. I still don't like to show weakness (I don't know where that hard-ass attitude came from), but I'm trying to be more realistic. I just wish my ears were getting better as a result.

But for now, I am going to be thankful for what I have:
-An amazing family-
-A gift of singing, and a wonderful plan of pursuing it-
-A beautiful love (it means the world to me how far we've come, Ayron)-
-Wonderful best friends-
-Great mentors (especially Mrs. C)-
-My general health and well-being-

the four world-views

2008-04-09T18:16:00.003-05:00

I guess this is why we can't all just get along:

Once upon a time there were four inquisitive blind men: a theologian (exoteric mythological mind), a scientist (exoteric logical mind), a philosopher (esoteric logical mind), and an artist (esoteric mythological mind). They were wandering along a country road when they came across an elephant that, of course, they could not see. The theologian, feeling the ear, said (too loudly), "It seems like a bat!" The philosopher, feeling the leg, said (too abstrusely), "It seems like a tree." The scientist, feeling the trunk, said (too concretely), "It seems like a snake." The artist, walking around the mysterious object, said (too poetically), "It seems noble…" (but the other three ignored him because artists never have anything useful to say).

-From J.E. Bowser's The Lotus Maiden

closing walls and ticking clocks

2008-04-01T19:25:00.002-05:00

I have been feeling a lot of unrest lately, and I think it is because I'm coming to a large crossroads in life. I'm pretty certain that I'm going to choose Indiana University for graduate school, which means I'll move far away (about ten hours from where I grew up...yeah, I know it could be farther!). But it won't just be from family, it will be from Ayron and from friends, as well as this beautiful town that I have grown to love so much. I know I will always be able to go back to LeMars to visit family, but I will not always have a reason to go back to Ames, unless Ayron is working here or something. But that seems pretty unlikely. Now, I know I'll have friends here too, and Mrs. Creswell, so I'm sure I'll want to be back, but I have no idea what graduate schools schedule will be like. I'm sure I'll be very busy. I'm going to miss the campanile and central campus in the fall. On the bright side, IU has a gorgeous campus and Bloomington is also a very pretty town that I'm sure I'll fall in love with.

This is all terribly exciting, of course, because last year at this time, I was just dreaming of the possibility of going to IU. The whole process of applying and auditioning for graduate school just seemed so far away and so impossible, but somehow I made it happen and I got into both schools I applied to...with amazing support from my teacher and my family, too! I'm waiting on financial aid information now, and the idea that most of this education could be financed is just boggling my mind.

I am very excited, of course, for all of these new things, but I'm also really scared about the future. I don't know where my life will carry me, and though I definitely feel ready to be done wiht my undergraduate degree, I feel like it is going to be hard to move on. Change is always difficult, but I know I'm going to be fine. I just thought it might help to write about it a little bit.

So many unknowns! We'll just see how it all unfolds...

the blind mountain morning

2008-03-30T22:40:00.004-05:00

I'm missing some October morning
where the swans rose up from their
hallowed, gold abode
to touch the water
with a thousand crystal feathers
they were there at the base of
the mountain of our life
and we watched them
from a sunny porch of morning
where the clouds were a painting
on the most silver of lakes
we cooked a simple feast
and drank the nectar and
the golden water of hope
and dreamed
we lay down on our backs
on the boards of silky summer
and remembered our nucleus
our hope and our sweet nothings
those words between the pearly teeth
of love passed through
and we remembered
in the orchard when the apple fell
dark and ripe
full of promise untold
and you picked it up
and handed it to me
there were no mornings
more beautiful than those spent
wound up in cotton dreams
where the warmth of a human
was far more beautiful than
the vision of Leonardo
and I looked into your eyes then
like the swan on the silver lake
and I knew there was nothing
nothing in the great museums
no statue or painting or cathedral
could find the depth, the magnificence,
the untold promise and significance
the healing, silver stream
of your eyes

in the mercy of his means

2008-03-17T23:58:00.002-05:00

I sometimes wonder if all of the words have left and gone down the long hallway of who I used to be. I look back on this blog and sometimes feel as though I'm reading another person's words. I'm sure that this phenomenon occurs for all people who have kept a journal of the span of years...no matter how few. It is surprising to see how much we change in such a short period of time. It will be interesting to see if this change continues throughout my adult life.

I am lost in the fog and snow again. I thought that springtime had carefully peered into the world, but alas, winter rears its head once again with fog and snow and cold slush. I am still cheerful, though, because I believe spring must be just around the corner.

We will see what tomorrow brings.

when the stars fall down from the sky

2008-03-10T17:20:00.005-05:00

"Missing someone gets easier everyday because even though
you are one day further from the last time you saw them,
you are one day closer to the next time you will."

the long sleep

2008-03-09T22:27:00.009-05:00

I couldn't have imagined
the smoothness of the ocean
that stretches between you
and that meets up with me
at night when I lie
in the kind of darkness
that seeps underneath
your eyelids
until it drenches the thing
that you are aching without
until it smooths the hand
that is grasping for something
that has found its own story
on the banks of a cool blue
rainy northland
somewhere in the distance
of my imagination
where you're lost
in dreams

rewind

2008-03-08T22:46:00.004-06:00

Tonight, Tyler and I went to see Rewind with Paul Haas. It was interesting, to say the least, especially being with my electronic music guru friend. It wasn't what I expected, and I was somewhat disappointed. I thought that the rewind through time wouldn't be so nonsensical and also that it would be programmed more carefully. I also thought that electronic music would be incorporated more throughout the concert. The orchestra and the soloists played beautifully, but it wasn't all I had hoped for.

Today, however, was wonderful. Linds and I walked at the Rec, I heard from Ayron & Cathy, and I wrote Ayron a long email. Then Tyler and I shopped (aimlessly) in Des Moines and then went to the concert. It was awesome to be with Tyler today...we used to spend so much time together and I've missed him. We have such awesome conversation every time we hang out.

I'm extra tired tonight, and it is daylight savings! I miss Ayron so much! I keep dreaming of him while I'm awake. I'm so excited for him, too! I hope to dream sweet dreams of him tonight...

like the wind

2008-03-07T00:41:00.004-06:00

Today Ayron and Cathy left for Norway! They'll be gone for two whole months. The past few days and weeks around my apartment were crammed with Senior recital worry (me), Student teaching concerns (Ayron), and then traveling concerns as Ayron packed up to head off to Norway.

I concentrated mostly on helping him as much as I could to get ready to go, and I tried to think about how much I was going to miss him as little as possible.

But now I miss him! I rearranged my room, and that was nice. But the apartment feels so lonely and empty without him. I spent a small amount of time really feeling sorry for myself, and then I went and hung out with some friends and realized I'll be just fine. Right this minute, Ayron and Cathy are en-route to Copenhagen, and by tomorrow morning, they'll be in Bergen. They're now Norweigians! I'm so excited for them both.

I suppose now is the time to focus on myself. I think this could be good for me. My life seems to always be crammed so full of school and singing and my relationship (which takes lots of work and time) that I forget to recharge sometimes.

I heard from Indiana and Michigan and have been accepted to both schools. My senior recital is over. Ayron is overseas. Now is the time to better myself! To do yoga! To read more books! To make less dishes dirty! To relax.

But I still do miss his smile and his hugs. :)

looking for the good things

2008-01-24T23:50:00.000-06:00

Now, today was a good day.

I walked for a couple of miles this morning with Alyssa and Lindsay, who are both wonderful human beings, and just awesome to be around.

I ate a peaceful lunch and got to chat with KaCee, who is a really cool person.

I relived my Florence experiences (much less eloquently than I would have liked) in front of a group of first and second year students, cluing them in about study abroad.

I had an amazing voice lesson with an amazing voice teacher. No matter how independently I pursue my music, her experience, wisdom, and artistry really enhance my performing experiences.

I made my decision about choir official. This doesn't feel that great, because I am going to miss it so much, but it does feel like I'm making the right decision for me, and that feels like a fresh start and a new opportunity to work toward wellness in my life.

I spent some hilarious time with Alex and Tom, who never fail to crack me up.

I had an amazing evening at The Cafe, and then at Samantha's, in honor of her 23rd birthday. A large crowd, three bottles of wine, incredible appetizers, mouth-watering food, and unexplainable wonderful desserts made a foodie like me feel like I was in heaven. Plus, the company was amazing.

Waiting for Guffman was really the only logical conclusion to the evening, and some of my closest friends and I laughed and laughed at the genius of Christopher Guest.

And tomorrow is a whole new, open day, with incredible possibility. I can't think of many more joyous things!

the long day closes

2008-01-23T21:16:00.000-06:00

Today was a long day, but a good one. The only unfortunate part of today was the bitter cold, snow, and general winter gloom. I had to walk across campus six times today, and so I was frozen by the time I walked in my door at 6:30pm. Ayron was at church choir and I didn't have to cook tonight, so I chilled out, and seriously, I have gotten hardly anything done since then. But I blame it on the fact that I'm still thawing out.

what once was

2008-01-22T22:49:00.000-06:00

Every so often I'm pierced by this inexplicable yearning for a past life, where I lived in Florence. I miss the freedom, the art, the wild wonderment, the interesting people, and the peaceful spots like the one pictured above (which is actually in Siena). I miss my Florentine home and I wonder how long it will be before I go back to the place that I called home those years ago. Florence was a place that taught me what depths were inside of me, a place that gave me my voice and gave me the courage to use it.

overambitious

2008-01-21T12:32:00.000-06:00

Today is MLK day, which is always a University holiday at ISU. It is awesome to have a day off after the crazy madrigal weekend, and even though it is already afternoon, I have a big to-do list of stuff to be done with before school starts again tomorrow.

1. Plan this week's Menu. Okay, I know this is a little bit ridiculous, but sometimes during the week, my brain quits working when it comes time to cook, and it would just be awesome if the whole planning/creativity thing was already done, and the groceries for the meal were already in the fridge.
2. Get groceries.
3. Go to Target. I ran out of bodywash, toner, handsoap, and lots of other crap. I hate shopping for stuff like this, because it always adds up and costs too much.
4. Get anthro books. Too bad I have to buy books this semester. I tried finding my anthro books online for less, but alas, no such luck.
5. Make new granola/granola bars. I kind of thought I'd never get through all of the granola and granola bars I made two weeks ago, but I definitely ate it all. And now I need more.
6. Make banana bread. I've got two overripe bananas. Banana bread sounds tastier than a smoothie.
7. Get invitations printed. I made invites to my senior recital, and I have a long list. I designed them when I was on my way to Bloomington last week, but I forgot about them until now.
8. Make one love postcard. I signed up for a postcard swap over at Chookooloonks, and I'm really excited. I have 10 to make before February 12.
9. Deutsch HA. I have homework from German class last Tuesday. I suppose I had better get it done.
10. Relax? Haha...

the end of an era?

2008-01-20T11:21:00.000-06:00

(photo courtesy of Sam.)

So, I haven't been around much this week because it was the first week of classes, and also the week that we put on the annual madrigal dinner. This involves lots of rehearsing and the dinners themselves are very long, so I haven't had much free time. I felt a little nervous being the Queen, but overall everything went pretty well this year. The groups all sounded wonderful, and Ayron, Ashley, Austin and I were able to sing the third psalm tune by Thomas Tallis, which I am basically obsessed with because Fantasia on a Theme by Thomas Tallis by Vaughan Williams is based on that little psalm tune.

It is somewhat sad, however, because this was my last madrigal dinner with the Iowa State Singers, and probably my last madrigal ever. I also have been struggling with the decision of leaving choir for a few months now, and I made a decision over break that I need to simplify my life, and listen to the words of wisdom of my physical therapist, and give my ears a break from choir. This is definitely one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make, even though I know that I want to sing opera and not sing professionally in a choir. Choral music has always been very dear to my heart, partially because I've found some mentors there. All of my first aesthetic experiences involving music took place within a choir, and choral music has been on my favorite music playlists since I was in middle school. When other kids were listening to Britney, I was listening to Palestrina. (So I was a strange child.) Regardless, I do know that I owe a lot of where I am right now to the choral arts, mostly because it is what got me interested in music in the first place.

It is unfortunate that my first difficulties with PET first appeared in choir at Iowa State, and since then, the most painful part of my ear experience has generally taken place in choir. I have no explanation for this, because I'm no ENT, and though I have a small grasp of understanding of the mechanisms in the center of my head, I can't pretend to know their intricacies. I've been seeking Physical Therapy, namely Craniosacral massage, to fix this problem, and it is slow going. It seems as though every time I step into choir and start singing, all of the work I've been doing to correct this disorder goes out the window and I'm in pain again. This has been a very difficult fact for me to accept, but I have recently begun to accept the fact that this daily struggle could have cumulative effects, and that my health is truly the most important thing to me.

All that remains is when? I believe I may be finished now, but I don't want to be. I will never want to be. This decision could make or break my semester in so many different ways.

These thoughts and more were running through my head as I sang the words of the Dowland last night at the conclusion of my last madrigal dinner, and perhaps my last performance in a choir.

Now, O, now, I needs must part,

parting though I absent mourn.

Absence can no joy impart,

joy, once fled, cannot return.

Sad despair doth drive me hence,

this despair unkindness sends.

If that parting be offence,

it is she which then offends!

While I live I needs must love,

Love lives not when hope is gone:

Now, at last, despair doth prove,

Love divided loveth none.

Sad despair doth drive me hence,

this despair unkindness sends.

If that parting be offence,

it is she which then offends!

future hoosier?

2008-01-13T17:35:00.000-06:00

So, I'm back from my trip to Indiana. I was really nervous for this one, I think more nervous than I've been in awhile. Add that to nine hours on the road, and I was really exhausted by the time I went to bed the night before my audition. But luckily, with all of the preparation and water, things went well. Add to that how much I love to sing, and I was just ecstatic when I walked out of my audition. I've been so sick a lot of the past couple of months, and also sick for my past few performances. This seemed like a wonderful step in the right direction. It felt so good to have worked so hard for something and to be able to follow through with a wonderful result.

I'm not certain how I feel about Bloomington overall, mostly because I haven't had a lot of time to explore. However, I'm pretty sure it seems like an artsy, nice community with a wonderful school that I'd love to be a part of. It is just two years...I won't be there for as long as I've been here at ISU.

I start my last semester at ISU tomorrow, and I'm filled with the energy of this weekend, while also being really physically tired. (Sound like a paradox?) I'm not sure if I'm really ready to go back to class, but it doesn't really matter. I'm armed with my creativity, my vitality, and my love, and I think it is going to be the best semester yet!

holiday?

2008-01-11T07:12:00.000-06:00

Well, we're leaving for Indiana. Wish me luck!

high low

2008-01-09T22:12:00.000-06:00

high for 1.9.08|lunch with the new Florentine Tyler
Tyler is back from Italy (he has been for awhile) and it was awesome to finally catch up with him. He has been one of my best friends for the past five years, and it was wonderful to sit down with him and catch up. He was looking so stylish and wonderful, and within moments we were having that wonderful, real conversation that you can only find with really special people. I think he's one of my soulmates.

low for 1.9.08|full practice rooms
Life must be pretty good if this was my low, but I really feel bummed out when the practice rooms at ISU are full. I was especially surprised today, because this is still break, and the past few days, the rooms have been totally empty. Today's rooms were full of people plunking out Christmas carols, having conversations, and talking on cell-phones. I am always equally upset when practice rooms are full of people not really using them for practice. I know it happens, but seriously! There were a few fishbowls open, but I can't practice in them because of my ears. I always wish there was some tactical way to ask people who don't have ear problems if they would mind switching for a fishbowl, but I feel like I am no more entitled than they are. It kind of bummed me out, but I waited around for about a half hour, studying my music and taking photos, and one of them finally opened up. Patience is a virtue, I guess. I'm gonna have to sign up for a lot of time in the office this semester.

endless, reaching, loving

2008-01-08T21:15:00.000-06:00

So you know that feeling that the world is full of endless possibilities? It hasn't gone away yet. And I'm cherishing it. Last night, after reading about half of the book, "The 1000 Journals Project," I went to Borders with Ayron, and the two of us browsed the bookshelves for about an hour. Ayron bought a couple of intriguing books...and I had to do everything to keep from buying Michael Pollan's new book, In Defense of Food. I am reading The Omnivore's Dilemma, one of his other books, right now. I also heard him on NPR's Science Friday this week...making me want to read this new book even more. I have always been sort of a foodie, but over the past few months, I have really started to look at food in a new way.

Here are my main sources of inspiration:
Chocolate & Zucchini
The Kitchen Diaries
3191
How to Cook Everything Vegetarian

How to Cook Everything Vegetarian may be one of the most creative, best Vegetarian cookbooks ever. Now, I am a big fan of artistic, beautiful photographs, and I often don't give cookbooks without these a chance, but I'm pretty much obsessed with this cookbook, even though it has zero pictures. Why? Because it is so customizable, so simple, and it is full of endless ideas. I've already made five or six recipes out of it, each of them really good.

I like to eat, I love to cook, and I especially love sharing these things with people. I might end up talking about food here more often...just a warning.

Even though I didn't buy In Defense of Food, I did buy a plain brown paper journal. I've already made my first entry, and I've inserted some of my art journaling from last week. The cover and pages are plain and brown, which really excites me. I was very attracted to some gorgeous, showy journals on the shelves, but when I saw the plain brown paper one, I realized I could decorate it and make it beautiful however I want. I'll share the result with you when I feel brave enough to erase the blank canvas.

you are a part of it

2008-01-07T16:12:00.000-06:00

I started journaling again over my holiday break (there's not even a week left!), and the feeling of liberation and expression it has brought back to my life feels very precious to me. I have done some browsing through journals/blogs online, and I heard about this book.

I found it in the library on campus, way up on the fourth floor (no need to go work out after all of my walking across campustown, campus, and then climbing a billion stairs). I felt excited from the moment it was in my hands. I have read the first few entries, and browsed through these people's art, and it is awesome. If you want to know more about it, check here. I left my art stuff in LeMars, but I'm going to have to ask my Dad to bring it to Ames for me...I am just dying to create. The concept of a traveling journal brings so many feelings of hope, making this world seem both smaller and larger all at once.

A couple of weeks ago, I started my own collage-like art journaling. I hope to keep it up, and maybe if I'm feeling brave, I might post a couple of them here someday.

For now, I'll keep dreaming and being inspired by this life!

aching for it

2008-01-06T16:43:00.000-06:00

The past two days were spent listening to and thinking about singing. The Metropolitan Opera Iowa District auditions were yesterday, and I watched 37 singers sing two arias apiece for a panel of representatives from the Metropolitan opera. It was nice, but exhausting. Ayron participated (one of the youngest contestants) and he was awarded one of four encouragement awards (non-advancing, monetary awards) and they only sent two singers on to Minneapolis. I was very proud of him, and very inspired to sing.

I spent most of the day sitting in the audience with an ache to sing that was almost sickening (in a good way). I find that I have this feeling quite often while watching people sing, and I think it often keeps me from fully enjoying performances sometimes. There are days I don't have this, or performers who are so engaging that I can put aside the desire to sing long enough to enjoy them. I think I'm getting better at this than I used to be, but especially with arias I know or have sung many times, I find myself wanting to sing them much much more than wanting to listen to them. For this reason, I'm heading to the practice room now.

I love singing, and despite my antsy, sometimes impatient desire to sing while others are, I really love watching people sing.

at long last

2008-01-02T23:50:00.000-06:00

So, for the past month, I've been dying to know if I get to audition at Indiana University for graduate school. I haven't been at home for half of that time to receive notification by mail, but I made my faithful boyfriend check the mail for me everyday until he came to visit me in LeMars. Today, I called Indiana University's office of admissions, just to see if they forgot me, but no one was there. I left a message, asking if they could call me back regarding my situation.

Precisely two hours later, I spoke with Ayron, because he just returned to Ames, and he had checked the day's mail. He had opened the letter from Indiana University before I called.

I audition in about a week! I am both nervous and excited, but mostly ready to conquer. I love doing what I'm doing, and I can't wait to show them that.

Wish me luck!

die tote stadt

2007-12-30T21:31:00.000-06:00

I forgot to post last night! I guess I was too busy.

Ayron came into LeMars for a short visit over New Year's, and last night we went on a date to Rebo's (probably our favorite little restaurant/bar in Sioux City - great food, great atmosphere) and after a lovely meal and a carafe of their homemade Sangria, we walked just down the street and saw Sweeney Todd. We've been anticipating this movie for quite some time, mostly because of the combination of Johnny Depp, Tim Burton, and Stephen Sondheim. I have seen the stage version before, and Ayron hadn't, so it was fun to see his reaction. I thought it was really well done and I was surprised by the singing - I thought it was about right for a Sondheim musical, and Tim Burton's dark, desaturated style made it haunting and wonderful. We both enjoyed ourselves.

Today was good, too, and it involved singing, off-road excursions with the Jeep (haha, sort of), spur-of-the-moment photography while on the off-road excursion, the eating of holiday sweets, more singing, watching opera, tacos, and jewelry making. It seems like it has been a relaxed, lazy day.

I'm feeling good!

the skilled archer

2007-12-28T23:18:00.000-06:00

I am looking toward the New Year with much anticipation and excitement, and also a little apprehension. This is going to be a big year for me. I'll get my undergraduate degree, and my auditions will determine where/if I go to graduate school, and I think it will be a great test of how I stand up against all of the opposition that I have in facing a career singing opera.

Tonights topic in my interfaith devotional (offering little bits of wisdom from all the world's religions & folkloric traditions) was danger. It talked about how danger comes in many forms: both skilled & unskilled (like a skilled archer successfully targeting you by keeping you from your goal, and an unskilled archer that just hits you accidentally or by chance, but still keeps you from what's important). I feel that I have been one of my biggest "skilled" obstacles throughout my undergraduate career. I am always getting sick before major performances, and though I pull through, it is very stressful, and I am not always happy with how things turn out after so much hard work. Toward the end of this past semester, I was so weary of being sick, and I complained about it to my voice teacher, saying that I didn't know what I was doing wrong.

I think I am starting to realize that for the past couple of years, I've had a lot of buried anger, unhappiness, and discontent inside of me. This is partly a result of my denial of my creative urges in the areas of writing and creating artwork. I don't sabotage my muse consciously, but rather with some subconscious, worn-out critic that thinks I don't have energy or time for anything but singing...and cooking. The past couple of days, I have been art-journaling by creating collages on small pieces of watercolor paper, and painting on and over them, creating a beautiful image and leaving space to write my thoughts. It is like a double dose of therapy, stimulating my creative side and allowing me to release my most simple worries and joys of the day. Writing here in this space again has been a breath of fresh air, and I've also been grabbing my camera and snapping shots of whatever inspires me. I'm posting my daily results on my new photo blog.

I feel so much healthier. There are a few more changes I'd like to make in my life, too - to keep me from being my own "skillful" obstacle. I'd like to simplify my life. I think I need to do some thinking on that, too, and maybe write about that one later. I am reluctant to post a list of New Year's Resolutions, because I'm afraid that it will set me up for failure, but I have to remember to be realistic...and keep it simple. But for now, I have to keep making time for creativity. Because seriously, it could be the only thing that keeps me from getting shot by the unskilled archer...germs.

the invincible summer

2007-12-27T23:08:00.000-06:00

The past couple of days have been beautiful - in company, in weather (even if it is somewhat cold), in life. I've found my creative spark back again, and I've been letting it out as much as possible. I had forgotten what it feels like to be this happy, and all of the sudden, it has me feeling grateful in a way I've not felt before. I think that I am always thankful for my life, my generally good health, my family, my friends, and my gifts, but now it is a palpable joy piled on top of all of this that makes me feel like I'm thrumming with a new life. Perhaps this is the best Christmas gift of all...and I'm not certain where it came from.

This new energy has gotten me back at my art desk, buying canvases again, cracking open my watercolors, singing opera with an new energy, coming up with new jewelry ideas, and journeying outside into the freezing cold to capture a quiet winter moment with my camera.

I wonder how long it will be until the poetry starts pouring out again?

lists are making a comeback

2007-12-19T19:52:00.000-06:00

There's still a lot of ice here! This picture was taken last Sunday. Our front step is still covered in ice. I miss warmth! After a busy semester, I am just relaxing. It is nice, but it feels weird. I'm watching VH1's Top 100 Songs of the 90's. I loved 90's music! In the spirit of lists, I'll make some. I used to make a lot of lists. The following are ranked in no particular order.

10 favorite arias & their performers:
1. L'amour est un oiseau rebelle - Marylin Horne
2. Un bel di vedremo - Montserrat Caballé
3. Credo in un Dio crudel - Sherrill Milnes
4. Depuis le jour - Reneé Fleming
5. Ain't it a pretty night? - Reneé Fleming
6. O Don fatal et deteste - Dolora Zajick
7. Hai gia vinta la causa...Vedro mentrio sospiro - Thomas Allen
8. Air des clochettes - Natalie Dessay
9. Song to the Moon - Reneé Fleming
10. Mia madre aveva una povera ancella - Renata Scotto

9 favorite films:
1. Magnolia
2. No Country for Old Men
3. American Beauty
4. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
5. Lord of the Rings (all of them)
6. Gone Baby Gone
7. Life is Beautiful
8. The Godfather
9. Singin' in the Rain

8 favorite art songs:
1. Belsatzar - Schumann
2. Aufenthalt - Schubert
3. Clair de lune - Fauré
4. Gretchen am Spinnrade - Schubert
5. Allerseelen - Strauss
6. L'Invito - Rossini
7. Dirge - Argento
8. Nature, the gentlest mother - Copland

7 favorite foods:
1. Goat cheese
2. Baguette
3. Spinach
4. Chocolate
5. Eggs
6. Peanut Butter
7. Gorgonzola Cheese

6 favorite songs (not classical!):
1. Omaha - Counting Crows
2. Two Step - Dave Matthews
3. In the Morning - Brenda Weiler
4. Up up up up up up - Ani DiFranco
5. Raining in Baltimore - Counting Crows
6. Milkcow's Calf Blues - Eric Clapton

5 favorite places:
1. Home
2. Vienna
3. Florence
4. Rome
5. Ames :)

4 favorite operas:
1. Le Nozze di Figaro
2. Rusalka
3. Otello
4. Cosi fan tutte

3 favorite singers:
1. Reneé Fleming
2. Thomas Allen
3. Thomas Quasthoff

2 favorite poems:
1. Ulysses - Tennyson
2. Tithonus - Tennyson

1 favorite TV show:
1. Six Feet Under

the long journey

2007-12-12T01:46:00.000-06:00

I was a yogi, wrapped up in silence. I miss that silence. I wasn't so complicated, my life wasn't so complicated. I was fresh and new, and now I feel so gray and so dark and so worn out. Perhaps it is the nature of this time of year, at the end of things. Now is the time to finish strong and start fresh. Now is the time to take control, and to find who I used to be.

hush

2007-12-10T23:37:00.001-06:00

For seven silvery hours, wrapped up in indecision
I breathed in frosty breath, coated in the ringing sadness
and between the snowy beats, I listened to the dark

I don't know how I found
my string of old souls
I tied myself to a rope
and hoped to find my way back
into the glassy past

I had convinced myself
that I would be waiting
after I had gone between the barrier
of having everything and having hope
I thought I could have both
wrapped up in the same moment

But then the seconds piled up like smoke
I set aside my ringing ideas, my starry moments
and they tied each other up, swallowed inside
of the cruelty of time and the ignorance of youth

Then sunlight settled on some other head
the moment passed, and now
inside my stubborn, shimmering pride
I stand mired in the depth of some
new mysterious choice

I lost her again

skin and bones

2007-06-28T23:05:00.001-05:00

There is a fragile part of me
Wrapped in silk and gilded stars
Holding nothing but three
White promises and scars

With bare skin on wooden floors
And rocky, roughened cords
I shake down all the locked doors
And tear up all the boards

Twilight curves like honey arms
And wraps me in the moon
Skin and bones has its charms
‘cause I’ll be going soon

Don’t tell me to find myself
I hold my world in chains
Deeper ditches steeped in wealth
Bring me the loss and gains

So tie my corset, tie it tight
And send me packing down
the street that has no yellow light
to buy my wedding gown

what it is like to be a Kruse

2007-03-24T16:55:00.000-05:00

This is why I can't wait until summer.

up and coming

2007-03-18T22:38:00.000-05:00

I spent hours of my Spring Break preparing for summer. I thought about how many trays of seeds I planted, and I figure that I must have planted at least 1000 seeds. And after so few days, some of my flowers are already coming up! (Zinnias, pictured above.)

Now I am back in action, preparing for a lecture presentation in my seminar class, but my heart is still at home in the "greenhouse." I can't wait until I've got blooms to fill my vases this summer, and veggies to fill my plate!

old macdonald

2007-03-11T22:34:00.000-05:00

It was a relaxing Sunday; the fam went to church and I sight read our choir's song for the day (like I always do!) and I saw lots of familiar places. Afterward we went to a big pancake breakfast at the legion hall...more good times. Then Mom and I went to Sioux City for no particular reason, we mostly wandered aimlessly and spent time together. It was wonderful - I really miss our mother-daughter time when I'm away. When we got home, we settled down for a game of scrabble. It didn't turn out so well, as you can see in the picture. I love scrabble, and I'm very competitive when I play, but I'm not sure how to be competitive when all you have are vowels. It was one of the more depressing starts I've ever had to a scrabble game. I made a connection to an old children's song when I saw my letters in a certain order...

Unfortunately, we were both tired, and neither of us were getting any consonants, and as we considered the way it would be later in the game, without any vowels, we decided to throw in the towel early. The rest of the evening was spent with family...Devin & Liz and my parents. We all ate a big dinner together and hung out until daylight savings-time took its toll.

It is good to be home!

by her own hand

2007-03-10T23:17:00.000-06:00

This was my favorite of the three poems I read at the tenth performance of the SEAMUS convention this morning. I only wish that you could have heard it with Joseph Klein's music in the background. It was chilling.

By Her Own Hand
from Felt by Alice Fulton

If you believe you would have caressed every lash
and freckle that I was...
but for decorum, I appreciate the thought.
Have you ever been embarrassed
by a frugal kiss? It is embarassing to live.

My love for my husband was all balled up
with mothering. I had compassion for any flesh
trying that hard to be iron. Imagine
living with his bluster and hiss
for forty years. Have you ever been embarrassed
by a frugal kiss? I died of it. Just say I sublimed.
Snowflakes do this all the time. Say I was tired
of eating beige, for heaven's sake. Of
molestations imposed by my own body.
Let's see. I wasn't stoical enough for me.

You might say I've eased into the trees
and the autistic fields: eyes like forget-me-
nots. "Desire." All that business you admire.
The human yen for angels is depraved.
It decorates death with heaven, longing
for the note I never left.

My last sound was like the small release
of strings and frets you sense
when a guitarist changes chords.
Enough to let you know the music's made by hand.

I am not without regrets,
picayune as they may seem, or plain
grotesque. I do regret the writhing.
I wanted to be self-reliant.
I wanted to reach up and shut
my own eyes just before I died.

recluse

2007-03-08T23:17:00.000-06:00

It feels like it has been like, a billion years since I have had anything remotely interesting to say. I don't know if life got in the way, or if I just didn't feel like disclosing my personal thoughts for months on end...but I find myself here tonight, wanting to say something.

Ayron has been gone to Miami for a couple of days, and I've had some real alone time. It has been nice, on the one hand, to experience my true presence away from people. I used to spend so much time alone, and now I often get no alone time, really, except in the practice room and between classes. I've been talking to a counselor, too, for Psychology research credit, which has been an interesting experience. I've always viewed myself as so self-reliant, so good at picking apart my own feelings, so I was sort of nervous about this counseling thing, and I've had about five sessions now, but I really like the grad student who is working with me. And it is nice to have an hour of each week that is all about me, I have to admit it.

I feel a little off right now, though. I think that part of it has to do with the fact that I just really need to spend some time at home, and I'm in sore need of a break. This week started out so stressful...and I'm taking part in the National Electronic Music festival (called SEAMUS) at ISU this weekend. I've learned this work by Joseph Klein, which sets three poems by Alice Fulton to electronic music. Now, I do no singing, but just reading, so it will be interesting. If I hadn't agreed to do this festival, I would be at home with my family right now...which I am yearning for. I think that must have to do with some of my discontent.

I spent most of my time listening to a giant stack of recordings I interlibrary loaned for a vocal literature project. I listened to lots of beautiful singing. I am even more enthusiastic and excited about opera and about grad school than ever! I just need to get through all of the extra academic stuff to get to the singing that I love.

I think that this post is kind of blah because I'm feeling kind of blah. I will have to do some more writing soon when there is something more exciting going on in my life!

looking forward

2007-02-07T09:16:00.000-06:00

I miss the green warmth of summer. I miss living things. :) But this week has been good - mostly because Dad has been here. But I still miss Mom, and Devin & Liz. And Lucky the dog. I have a wonderful family, and a great life. I can't wait until Dad & I plan out the garden this summer. I spend all of my days immersed in this rich and fulfilling music, and sometimes I overflow and feel like there is nothing left for myself. I need to be more careful with myself. It has been such a productive semester so far...maybe that's why I want peace.

life is better with to-do lists

2007-01-02T23:17:00.000-06:00

1. Make more funny faces.
2. Laugh more (like Ayron).
3. Exercise more.
4. Worry less (meditate?).
5. Paint more.
6. Eat healthier.
7. Read more books.
8. Stay in touch with more friends.
9. Manage time better.
10. Be more organized.
11. Be more thoughtful.
12. Forgive more.
13. Sing more (with Cathy!).
14. Smile more.

dreaming

2006-12-20T23:05:00.001-06:00

Woven up and inbetween
paths of silver, paths of green
Lithe and listless, born of two
the scent of me, the shape of you

wire & glass

2006-12-14T14:34:00.000-06:00

I have my guitar calluses back, but not from playing guitar. In fact, I've been spending 60% of my waking life beading over the past few days (okay, maybe not that much). I love to create anything, and it seems like my artistic expression is just dying to get out again. I've been doing lots of commissions for people for christmas presents. The necklace pictured is actually for Al. (I hope you like it, Al!) I am now going to officially put all of my beads away (at least for today) and let my fingers rest.

I had this dream last night that my apartment (or maybe house?) was incredibly organized. It made me feel so good in the dream that now I'm going to try and make that dream come true.

delicate and white

2006-12-12T17:59:00.000-06:00

Because of a ridiculous article that was published in the paper last week, I've been thinking a lot about my experience in Florence two years ago. The farther I am away from it, the stronger my memories get.

I can still close my eyes and see and hear the way that city looked, down to the details of the windows on the street where I lived to the figures that looked down on me from the high points of the Duomo. I can picture the room in the Uffizi that holds Botticelli's paintings; I remember the wooden bench in the center where you could sit to breathe it all in. I can still remember the scent of certain streets (Via Cavour, in particular). I imagine myself walking to get groceries at Standa, passing Koo Cli Koo (wishing I could stop and eat one of their amazing veggie sandwiches) and ignoring the adolescent boys with their dogs who harassed people going in and out of the store. I remember that we had to weigh all of our own fruit and get stickers with their exact prices before we went to check out. I was always so tempted by their fresh-baked foccaccia, and I loved that you could buy eggs in half dozens (great for someone who only had one half of a small shelf of the refridgerator). Leave it to me to remember food! Gilli had the best chocolate, but the small bakery on Via Servi had the best chocolate pastries - they weren't exactly sweet, but they were heavenly.

But of course, I'm thinking lately about Florence's Christmas decorations, strewn across the city in strings with delicate white bulbs. I forgot to take pictures of them, but I stole one from Joe that shows my favorite kind. I remember the small groups that would play music in the streets. And in my favorite piazza of all, Piazza Della Republica, there was a large christmas tree. I had been longing in my heart for Christmas back then, because it meant seeing my family again. La Rinascente, the six-level department store in Piazza Della Republica, had an entire level dedicated to Christmas decorations, and I would stop in after class regularly to carefully turn the glittery ornaments over in my hands, to imagine having a tree of my own, to think about what it would be like to laugh with my family, and most of all, to feel at home in the world of red and blue and gold and glitter.

I'm glad today that I have the luxury of being closer to my family and being with those I love, but I still miss that wandering, unpredictable life that I had in Florence. I miss the sounds and the smells, seeing the Duomo every day, and wearing fleece to bed. My voice teacher is going to Florence in a couple of weeks, and I'm very excited for her. She'll be spending Christmas in Rome with her daughter. Italy is a beautiful place for adventure, and I can't wait to go back and have another someday.