it rains and rains

My lack of blogging here has just been out of pure laziness, combined with my being almost too overwhelmed with the stuff in my life to record it here. And I'm overwhelmed in a good way! So much has happened since March.

• I finished my first year of Grad school...woohoo!...and I felt ever-lucky for my awesome friends, who I've missed a lot this summer!
• I got a role in the first opera of next season, L'Italiana in Algeri...and I'm so excited! I've been preparing it this summer...but I've been struggling with being well enough to sing. I just got over being really sick, so now it is time to practice more consistently, and I can't wait!!!
  
• I have been with Ayron again, which is just more awesome than I can say. Being together again after being apart for so long is so awesome...and so wonderful, and I look at him, next to me now every day, and I feel so lucky. And we got engaged! I am so excited to marry him. :)

I know that seems short...but I'm sort of at a loss for words lately. Life is just wonderful, really. I hope to write more soon! :)

blonde ambition

I started writing a life-goal list more than four years ago, following in the footsteps of my inspiring friend Elyse. This past weekend, while Sarah and I were having an inspiration-session, I pulled the old thing out. I laughed at some goals, and realized that maybe I can cross some off. I also realized that our goals change...however, for posterity's sake, I didn't remove any.

Some goals I still want to do:
10. Be a yoga teacher
21. Learn how to do pottery
25. Plant a bonsai tree
33. Have my own garden

Some goals that are in progress:
19. Be a healthy vegetarian
39. Go to graduate school

Some goals I think may be a thing of the past (but you never know!):
2o. Open a coffee shop
36. Own/operate a CSA program

Goals I added:
42. Sew a dress in every color
52. Learn how to blues dance
59. Go to a Cubs game

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I love having these big, beautiful, and varied goals. Some are so broad and others are specific. Reading it gives me a sense of hope and purpose for new each day. It means my life is not just gray...or one color. My life is a burst of energy, of sun, and the prism of my goals splits it all up into a thousand beautiful colors.

sunday night inspiration

How to make
A Beautiful Life

Love yourself.
MAKE PEACE with who you are
and where you are
at this moment in time.

Listen to your heart.
If you can't hear what it's saying
in this noisy world,
MAKE TIME for yourself.
Enjoy your own company.
Let your mind wander among the stars.

Try.
Take chances.
MAKE MISTAKES.
Life can be messy
and confusing at times,
but it's also full of surprises.
The next rock in your path
might be a stepping-stone.

Be happy.
When you don't have what you want,
want what you have.
MAKE DO.
That's a well-kept secret of contentment.

There aren't any shortcuts to tomorrow.
You have to MAKE YOUR OWN WAY.
To know where you're going
is only part of it.
You need to know where you've been, too.
And if you ever get lost, don't worry.
The people who love you will find you.
Count on it.

Life isn't days and years.
it's what you do with time
and with all the goodness and grace
that's inside of you.
MAKE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE...
the kind of life you deserve.


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This is from a birthday card my Mom gave me last year. I just love everything it has to say. I hung it up on my wall next to my desk for daily inspiration.

I especially love, "When you don't have what you want, want what you have."

bittersweet

This weekend was really fabulous. I got to be with Ayron, because he came to meet his future teacher. When he arrived Friday night, we were both very tired but we hung out at a party for awhile anyway. (I'm normally not into parties, but it was really fun to hang out with all those people for a change!) I know Ayron liked it...it reminded him of undergrad, where we had many awesome nights with our friends.

Saturday was one of the best days I can think of in a long time. We slept in late, and I made my herb & cheese baked eggs for breakfast along with oatmeal (clearly Ayron has missed how much I feed him). We split a grapefruit as I surfed the net and he read Newsweek, and I paused my surfing as he read interesting articles out loud. We moved to the couch where we cuddled up and continued our reading/TV watching, and it was perfect. Around 3pm we made an impulse decision to see Slumdog Millionaire (which I had already seen once) and I'm so glad Ayron got to see it before it won Best Picture (rightfully so!). After the matinee, we grabbed supper at Farm, my favorite Bloomington restaurant. It was amazing as usual, and we sat at the bar first, having a drink and sharing their famous chili parmesan fries. I forget sometimes how much Ayron and I appreciate amazing food, and I just love the look he gets on his face when he tries something really good. This slow smile spreads over his face and he is so happy. I love that smile.After supper we continued the gluttony and went to the store where we each bought a bottle of wine we have not tried before, along with a block of cheese we hadn't tried. We went home and tasted the wines and cheeses...and strawberries and dark chocolate...and watched another movie. It was perfect...one big date all day to make up for not being together on Valentine's day.

He left today and I was so sad to see him go! The hardest part about a long distance relationship is that sometimes the goodbye can overshadow the time you spent together, but I'm not letting it. I feel like our amazing Saturday will hold me over for awhile! :)

old inspiration, new meaning

Then.
I was looking through my desk drawer yesterday when I found a small hand-held book called, "60 Ways to Feel Amazing." It is a book I found on the bookshelf or in the nightstand (I can't remember) in the flat at Via Cherubini Quattro. I don't know if I've cracked it open once since coming back to the US over 4 years ago.

I remember that I felt anything but amazing at times that semester, because I was still trying to heal a broken heart. Of course, by the end, with the help of a new best friend, I was something past amazing, with a new and incredible outlook and lease on life.

I apparently marked my favorite ones. Here are a couple:


11. Celebrate your Aloneness

• You are unique.
• There is no such thing as a normal or average size or type of person. Everyone is absolutely special and individual.
• When we recognize our uniqueness we also recognize our aloneness.
• Repeat the following affirmation which will help you to accept the joy and inevitability of feeling alone:
  I am sitting on top of the world and I belong to nobody and nobody belongs to me

This is funny. I was feeling very alone at that time in my life, and it is no surprise the first one I marked as important to me has to do with celebrating feeling alone and happy in that aloneness...although I'm not sure it refers to the kind of loneliness I felt. But after I started being in relationships post-High School, I think for awhile I thought I couldn't be happy alone. But I was wrong. I am very grateful to have Ayron in my life now, but I realize that without happiness on my own, I could not be happy in that relationship.

12. Re-Invent Yourself

• Do something which is out of character. Here are a few ideas:
  
  1. Change your style of dress.
  2. How long have you had the same hairstyle? More than a year? Change it.
  3. Find a new friend...someone who is quite unlike you.
  4. Start a new hobby or join a new nightclass.
  5. Change your makeup/perfume.
  6. Do you always wear dark colors? Put on some bright clothes and feel a change.
  7. Visit a different restaurant.
  8. Go to a different pub.
• Change is like a breath of fresh air. Enjoy the new perspectives it brings.

I totally loved this one, and I still love it. I think when you're feeling in a total rut or just not happy, this is always good advice. You don't have to totally change everything about yourself, but trying something new and stepping out of your comfort zone can have such a strong affect on your everyday life. I pretty much listened to this one's advice 100%. I never wore so many skirts in my life with leggings or tights or flat boots. I got half of my hair cut off as soon as I returned from abroad. Elyse was my new best friend, someone who was more positive and full of life and beautiful than I ever expected I could be. And a lot of her enthusiasm for life just totally rubbed off on me. My new hobby was world-traveling (haha...I haven't gotten to go back to Europe yet)! I drank coffee suddenly (I hated it before). I gave vegetarianism a try (and it stuck...4+ years and counting). I clothed myself in black from head to toe (not completely new, but I never had so much black in my wardrobe). Everyday was a new and different decision...a new adventure. It is hard not to miss that.

Now.
There are others in the book that appeal to me now that didn't then.

25. Remember: Be here now.

• If you get so organzied and together that you are busy living in the future or you are rushing to keep track of time, then you are missing the true pleasure of the moment.
• Whenever you feel that your life is running out of control, stop and say to yourself:
  "Remember, be here now!"
• The power is always in the moment. Stop reading and recognize the moment. Feel the now.
• 'Later' never actually exists because we are only ever really conscious in the present moment and 'later' always lies in the future.
• Appreciate this precious moment of your life.

I really don't do this enough. I am basically always living in the future, because I'm so anxious to be with Ayron again. The past few days I've been looking back to who I was, and wishing I could have some of that back. What about now? Neither of the others have any bearing on who I am at this moment. I need to work harder to remember that.

33. Make your own Mission Statement

• What is your mission statement?
• In other words, what is your life's purpose, why exactly are you here? To raise consciousness about environmental issues? To make the world a happier place? To ensure that your children have high self-esteem? To make people laugh?
• When you can make a mission statement your life will have new direction and purpose.
• Remember that you bring your own unique set of skills and strengths to this planet and you came here to use those abilities.
• Discover what drives you from within and match it with real-life activities to give your life new meaning.

Last summer and early in the fall, I struggled a lot with this decision to go to graduate school. I didn't doubt I wanted to go; I just felt a lot of pressure and I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. I felt afraid of failing for the first time. But at what? I don't know. Maybe singing? Maybe failing at being a professional opera singer? I think I felt like that is what people wanted me to be, people including myself, and I started to wonder if that's really what I wanted to be happy. I had a particular phone conversation with my old mom-away-from-home Mrs. C. She told me that I was putting all this pressure on myself to live my life the way that other people have lived theirs, or the way other people think I should. Then she said I didn't have to do that, and that I should make my own way. So I put up a couple of post-it notes above my desk to remind myself a couple of things:

• You don't have to do it THEIR way.
• No one has done this yet as you, so they cannot know how you will do it. You must forge your own way.
  
• You can have it all.

I think I need to write my new mission statement.

wednesday confessions

~I like being 23, but sometimes I wish I was still 20.~

~I wish so much that I was as morning person, but every morning, I regret having to throw the covers back and start the day.~

~When I moved to IU, I felt like most days were a failure, because I was so unhappy. I wrote about it a little bit on here, but for awhile there I honestly felt like maybe I had made a mistake. I was surrounded by people who were in love with singing...breathing it in and feeling obsessed with it, and I'd think, that used to be me! And no matter how hard I tried to make myself love it again, I just couldn't. I just wanted to think about anything else. Anything. Like maybe I should have gone to school for agriculture. It isn't like that isn't on another end of the spectrum. Then I realized it is because I'm heartsick, lost without my center. The love of my life is miles away. In my early music history class from undergrad, the coursepack included a page that talked about courtly love. One of the things it said is that "love is always increasing or decreasing." I think mine has been increasing for the past year. And it reached a crescendo, and now I know what I want. And I'm so thankful that Ayron got his acceptance letter a couple of weeks ago and that he is going to be here 100%. My heart is ready 100%. When he came and auditioned, my new life started, and suddenly, I can't wait to sing.~

~When I became a vegetarian, I have wanted to be more environmentally conscious. I now use reusable bags 95% of the time. Since I read the Omnivore's Dilemma & began listening to Michael Pollan, I wanted to be more conscious about where my food comes from & support local business/food. But sometimes I still shop at WalMart for groceries. Epic fail. To make up for my shame, I joined the local grocery cooperative a couple of weeks ago. Yeah Bloomingfoods! I can't buy everything there, but I buy as much as I think I can afford. And it feels pretty good.~
~This whole environmentally conscious thing includes using reusable water bottles. I can count on one hand the number of plastic water bottles I've bought since getting my first Sigg in June. I say my first, because since getting that one, I've lost two of them at IU. I now drink out of a cheaper version of an aluminum bottle, an Oggi, but I really want to shell out for another Sigg. They're just so pretty! I guess I'll save that money for specialty cheese at Bloomingfoods.~

~I always go over my 450 cell-phone minutes a month by at least 100 (thank god for Verizon bonus minutes). Most of that time is spent talking to my parents.~

~I used to really love rainy days, but now I think I prefer the sun. (Except when I've got a garden!)~

lost and found

Within you I lose myself...
Without you I find myself
Wanting to be lost again.
~Author Unknown

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